Listomania
Nur Turkmani

The Eight Steps to Becoming a Lebanese Jagal

You know him very well. In fact, you probably see him nearly every day, walking down the street with his shiny pointed-toe shoes and hair slicked back, counting his boss’ money as loud and publicly as possible.

We know “hayat l jagal sa’be” (the life of the playa is difficult), but if you’re aspiring for this kind of look and lifestyle, here are some steps to becoming the ultimate Lebanese jagal.

Don’t thank me, thank him.

1. When you wake up in the morning, give yourself a kiss in the mirror, because you’re awesome

(Image via tumblr.com)

You love yourself, remember that. And no one is a better lover than you.

2. Walk around the house in a dirty wife beater and smoke on ‘em cigars

(Image via tumblr.com)

Even though you still live with your mother (no one should know, because your mother probably hates having people over. Remember. No one needs to know.), you are the boss of the house.

How dare anyone say otherwise when you’re 25-years-old, and she still cooks and cleans for you?! Stand on the balcony, in a tight-fitting wife beater, smoke a cigar and MAKE SURE to throw the end onto the streets. Also, don’t forget to spit loudly on the road to assert your manhood.

3. Shower in hair gel and eau de cologne

(Image via tumblr.com)

When taking a shower, it is really important to apply as much gel as possible and slick your hair back in a manner that would make Elvis Presley roll over in his grave. Make sure your hair is as shiny as your face, which also has copious amounts (quantity over quality, remember) of cologne spread over it so that when the chicks lean in for a kiss – because, you just know they will – they can revel in your undoubtedly unique, manly smell.

4. Wear a loose chemise and unbutton the first three buttons

(Photo via Lebanese Beauty Press)

Women just love that chest hair. Oh, and don’t forget to wear a gold chain too – makes you look more chic.

5. Listen to DJ Tiesto and/or Alicia Keys in your shiny car

(Image via tumblr.com)

Hey, your car might be borrowed, but it automatically becomes your car when you start driving it as part of your evening valet job. AMIRIGHT?

Make sure it’s polished, with a couple of cool bumper stickers on display, and drive quickly through the tight streets of Lebanon with techno blasting through the windows.

Even though “ohh, when you gonna stop breaking my heart” is a century old, jagals will always appreciate this particular breed of classical music. CDs of 50 Cent, High School Musical and Eminem’s 1999 seminal work are also on hand.

6. Gym every night, what’s a man with no guns?

(Image via tumblr.com)

The jagal is a gymmer. He lifts, he grunts (very loudly), and he drinks protein shakes every night.

Make sure to be best friends with the coach of the gym, and soon enough, you’ll be a deputy coach, just like the jagal, and help all the ladies with their squats.

7. Vodka is your signature drink

(Image via tumblr.com)

The jagal’s motto: work hard, play hard. He works all day at the gym, and at night he plays hard. He skips no party, whatsoever. Even if it means having to borrow money from his uncles to pay for the club, he will do it.

8. You’re a playa, and the chicks love it

(Image via tumblr.com)

You break hearts, it’s what you do. Don’t forgot to smirk, lick your lips, and tell your chicks, “Don’t hate the player hayetehh, hate the game”. Drive off quickly after that, because you’re awesome and she thinks you’re a rock star now.

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