11 People You’ll Encounter at a Lebanese Family Gathering

Large family gatherings: you either really, really, really love them (I’d like to meet someone who does), or really, really, really hate them. From the pestering aunts to the patronizing uncles and annoying cousins, these are some of the staple characters you’ll find at every Lebanese family gathering.

1. The Cousin Who Hasn’t Quite Mastered Parenthood
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You’ll find this one running around from place to place chasing his/her kids, who are THE MOST annoying, spoiled, obnoxious children you have ever met in your life. Not that any kind of punishment is actually handed down when they finally do catch the brats. They believe a simple “stop that” will suffice. IT DOESN’T. IT REALLY DOESN’T.

2. The Perv
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We all have that one cousin who doesn’t quite understand the line between what is -and what is NOT – appropriate to say to another family member, and that there is no chance in hell that anything will EVER happen between you two. Keep your gross innuendos to yourself, bro. Your mother will find out.

3. The Aunt Who Married into the Family Who No One Likes
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You guys know what I’m talking about here don’t you? The one you hear all your other aunts gossiping about when she’s not there. “Can you believe what she’s wearing?!” or “He [the uncle] would have never done anything like that if it weren’t for that bitch.” Everything she does seems to tick someone off. She receives the most hate from the holy grandmother.

4. The Uncle Who Thinks he’s the Dictator of the Family
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This one thinks he’s entitled to control everything and everyone in his presence. He decides when you eat, where you sit (the kids table, most probably), what you eat, and how much of it. He also controls the topics of conversation and gives his opinion on everything you say (and it’s mostly negative).

5. The Cool Aunt/Uncle
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They played with you tirelessly when you were a child, took you to see all the movies your mom wouldn’t let you see in your tweens, and snuck you that one beer (ehm, or tequila shot. What?) in your teens. They’re your best friend and the first person you call for advice. They also get you the best gifts because they’re awesome.

6. The Cousin Who Married Too Early in Life
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This cousin’s Skybar days ended a little too early when mama started asking the “when am I gonna see my grandchildren” questions and claiming that she “wants to be able to dance at the wedding.” He dreams of his glorious bygone party days while picking up his kids from daycare.

7. The Black Sheep
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Baaaaahhhhh. They’re shady, no one knows where the hell they are half the time, and they are not someone you want to piss off. Disappointment fills their parents eyes. They may even secretly be the most successful of the bunch, they just don’t give a shit about what you think and aren’t afraid to let you know it.

8. The Aunt Who Can’t Find Love
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Cutie. This aunt is dreaming of prince charming, but he’s taking his sweet time showing up. Just let her be. We <3 you. 9. The Family Rock Star
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Harvard graduate with a Masters in Astrophysics of the Genetically Engineered Chemical Structure of Architecture from MIT. Plays the violin. Rendered the next Picasso. President of the world. Untouchable and everyone’s favorite. Usually also extremely humble and very nice. And good-looking, with a pretty hot body. WHYYYYYYYYY?!!!!!!

10. The Family Rock Star’s Brother or Sister
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Poor fella. I’m sorry.

11. The Spoiled Brat
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Probably an only child. They’ve been used to getting whatever they want their whole lives by simply pouting their lips. This has made them the most obnoxious, self-centered, egotistic, annoying person to ever walk the earth. Ever.