A World Cup Guide for the Narguile Wazwaz: Your Favorite Team and What It Says About You

(Image via State of Mind)

So, you’re a narguile wazwaz, and the World Cup is coming! Super exciting. Problem is, you don’t care about football at all. But your friends do. Will you miss out on the late-night festivities of narguile bingeing in cafes and screaming to the sound of other Narguilotes screaming? Hells to the no!

By the fa7me on your narguile, you will become acquainted with the main teams playing the World Cup, and then choose one to support mindlessly until your last coughing breath (may your narguiles fall repeatedly if you don’t).

Here are the top five favorite teams of Narguilotes and what it says about them:

1. Brazil

(Image via B Book)

Brazil! Brazil! Braziiiiiiiiiil! Everyone loves Brazil, that’s a fact. It is universally known that all Narguilotes are born Brazilian but invariably change allegiance due to the tragedies of life. The team’s supporters are always dancing exuberantly and tend to show a lot of skin, for better or worse. And also, the World Cup will be held in Brazil, so you can imagine the atmosphere.

But more important than all of this: If Dani Alves grows his hair out, Brazil could have an entire defensive backline of afros. Marcelo, Dante, David Luiz, and Dani Alves in afros. Could there possibly be anything cooler? Someone should force him to stick a wig on it, just in case, just to make the world a happier place.

What it says about you: You’re an 3ammo. You are devoid of malice. You laugh at adversity and take it on the chin — but you seldom need to because you are winning most of the time. Your narguile intake is smooth and regular. You smile a lot, and you do a silly dance around your narguile when your team scores.

2. Italy

(Photo via BBC)

Italy supporters are anti-football! What the Brazilians create, the Italians destroy. Italy is like Star Wars’ Death Star. And what makes it worse is that all our girlfriends, fellow Narguilotes, support them. And they don’t even like football! Also, Italy is know to adopt a very… oh… oh my, oh, wait a second..

(Image via Super Sport)

Who is.. is that Daniele de Rossi?

I… I felt a tingling in my narguile.

(Image via Donga)

Oh good god!!! (I nearly dropped my fa7me).

(Image via Dagospia)

Akh… Pirlo! Oh Pirlo. That magnificent beard. I grew an extra testicle just looking at it.

What it says about you: You’re defensive. You read other people’s strategies quickly and put a stop to it. You smoke your narguile with short raspy drags. You have solid foundations but you’re quick-tempered. You grab your narguile and smash it on the wall when your team scores.

3. Argentina

(Image via 24 News)

Messi! Messi! Messiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! Aaaaaaaaah!!!! Best player in the world, best player in history, and according to our knowledge of intergalactic space, best player in the universe.

And also Maradona! Maradonaaaaaaa!!!

But yeah, the point is that Argentina always has an out-of-this-world great forward and a band of thugs behind him to snuff out any danger coming from the opposite end. It’s like Italy and Brazil had a baby… and it’s coming to get you.

What it says about you: You’re an az3ar. You probably own a mostikel (that’s motorcycle in narguile speak). You’re bad and you know it. Messi is a gentle character, and that’s a shame because you miss the cocaine days of Maradona. But whatever, he’s the best in the universe so he’ll have to suffice. Scarface is your favorite movie. You are a renowned abuser of narguiles. You treat them rough and scream at them when you do something wrong. The fa7met tell tales of your heavy hand.

4. Spain

(Image via Eplindex)

Spain won the last World Cup and had never won it before, so you are unlikely to find any veteran narguile smokers who support Spain, but you get the nod from the Brazilian veterans because Spain is the new Brazil. They keep possession, play neat passes, dribble nicely. But here’s the problem, as is the problem with everything new: Brazil had Garrincha with the crooked legs, Rivelino’s beer belly and Socrates with his PhD and anti-capitalist rhetoric; they were insane, fun, exuberant even. Spain, on the other hand, wins every game 1-0, plays no strikers, and tiki-taka the opponent to death. I’ll go ahead and say it: the team is devastatingly effective but quite boring.

What it says about you: You don’t swallow. You do not smoke narguile in the privacy of your home. Your drags are shy, and barely bubbly. You constantly have to reheat your fa7me because you barely use it. You have chosen the best bet of the new generation. You may be the new Brazilian, but you are no 3ammo.

5. Germany

(Image via Indian Football Network)

Football is inconsequential here. This is not about football, this is about winning. Germans could go into any game and do a great job. They could beat you at football, figure skating, Sudoku, you name it. If there was a competition over how un-German you could act, Germans would probably win. Or rather, not win, because that’s how un-German they would be — and in that way, they would win it. I confused myself but you get the point. Germany! FTW!

What it says about you: You are a no-bullsh*t narguile smoker. You have adopted the way of the narguile and take it seriously. You soak your own tobacco overnight in Mazaher and have constructed three prototypes of the narguiles of the future. You’re an over-achiever. You are driven. There’s no stopping you. You are literally a Mercedes. You have leather seats with the plastic still on to keep them new.

May the fa7me keep on burning. And bring on the World Cup!