It's beach season here in sunny Beirut, and if you're a douche, you've probably worked hard to make those biceps that nobody cares about ripple like the waves of the Mediterranean. With all the excitement, some of us are bound to get carried away with our beach behavior, so here are some tips on how to avoid looking like a total douche at the exclusive beach club of your choice.

1. Cigars

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I get it - you can afford a $20 item. We are all so impressed! I bet you also have a full tank of gas in your sedan as well. But please, save the cigar for when you're celebrating finally passing that accounting course you had to take two semesters in a row - we don't need to choke on your fumes.

2. Wandering eyes

(Image via Film Junk)

Please don't make unflinching eye contact while you chug your Almaza beer. I'm actually trying to discreetly adjust my boobs, and you're just being creepy. Furthermore, don't make unflinching eye contact while licking your lips. Ever. Seriously.

3. The pump and raise

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Fight every single instinct that is telling you to raise your watered down vodka-cranberry to the sky while pumping your fist in the air. That Daft Punk song was not to be taken literally. Additionally, it may be time to reconsider your drink of choice; vodka-cranberry is more suitable for a 13-year-old girl. Just sayin'.

4. Bottle service

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I love drinking, particularly on the beach - but I have a little something called dignity, and I got to say: nothing screams douchebag like ordering a bottle of Black Label (worse: Red Label) for your group of three. Additionally, the prices at the beach are jacked up almost 300% which further makes you look like even more of an idiot.

5. Novelty items, namely hats

(Image via Cheezburger)

If your hat says “PLAYA” or “PIMP” in pink glitter, then I am afraid there is no hope for you. If your hat has studs on it, there is no hope for you. All you can do is wait for winter to roll around so you can go skiing where your very limited wardrobe options will protect you from making such horrible life choices. Also, maybe consider going on a spiritual journey (I hear the Amazon rain forest is great) to discover what it is that made you purchase that hat in the first place.

6. Watch your tanning oil consumption

(Image via Cheezburger)

The oil pooling around your abs is reminding us all of the Gulf War. Do you have some kind of sponsorship deal with Nivea oils? Are they paying you for this? You do not need to be glistening to get a decent tan, plus you kind of look like a roasted chicken.

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How To Not Act Like a... Listomania on Aug 4, 2014


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