A personal nightmare of mine is being forced to attend extravagant Sunday lunches with families that your parents used to vacation with in the 1980s. You don’t want to be there, your parents don’t want to be there, the waiters don’t want to be there – it’s just another soul-crushing Lebanese ritual. Having been to as few of these lunches as I could possibly manage, I noticed that the characters are repetitive. These are seven of the most recurring ones you'll see.

1. The Botox Queen

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Is she happy to see you? Sad? Confused? Wait, is she having a stroke, or is that just her botched eyebrow? We’ll never know.

2. The Moody Prepubescent Teen

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Good luck getting him or her to take their earphones out. They'll just stroke their weird mushroom haircut and complain about the fact that they have to be there.

3. The Drunken Oldie

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He will most probably make unsolicited penis jokes to the sad waiter; everyone at the table will die a little inside.

4. The Budding Socialite

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This woman has multiple orgasms when Aїshti has a sale. She gets featured in every edition of Mondanite magazine, where she gets her picture taken for doing nothing all day but attending lunches at which she doesn’t eat. She also doubles as the “passive mom” who is completely oblivious to the fact that her child just bit someone’s ankle.

5. The Sticky Child

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Usually accompanied by his Nintendo DS and a personal housekeeper to watch over his demonic behavior, this spawn of Satan will be found crawling underneath the table while his parents ignore him.

6. The Inappropriate Distant Relative

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He is somehow married to one of your parents’ second cousins and always manages to tell you how much you’ve “grown” in the most disgusting way possible. With full on eye contact.

7. The Overbearing Aunt

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Are you married yet? Are you engaged? Do you have a boyfriend? Can she pimp you out? HABIBTI You only have 72 more months until your eggs are useless.

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