Anybody who knows me knows that my greatest pet peeve in life is sexy children. It falls right behind campers and non-drinkers, two other denominations I have a hard time trusting. Your kids should look like children, not young prostitute babies. Sometimes it seems that parents are doing everything they can to ensure their daughter becomes a stripper, such as:

1. Making sure to dress her in animal prints from an early age.

(Image via About-face)

Because who are we kidding? Your four-year-old daughter NEEDS leopard print tights and zebra striped Uggs.

2. Naming her a compound-name: AnnaRita, ChristaBella, KimAngelica.

(Image via Babble)

Well done, you just made it that much easier for her to choose a stripper name.

3. Putting her in booty shorts the year she learns to walk.

(Image via Liveleak)

Nothing is more attractive than fat baby butt bulging out of jeans shorts.

4. Putting flashy nail polish (or really, any nail polish) on her.

(Image via Cute as a Fox)

There will be plenty of time for your kid to get manicures and act like a grown-up. Why can’t you let her act five for now? Children’s fingers are already gross enough; they’re weirdly chubby and always manage to look sticky even when they’re perfectly dry. So why are you putting that slutty shade of hot pink on her fingers?

5. Be as emotionally unavailable as possible.

(Image via Xclusive Touch)

Your lunch and dinner plans are definitely far more important than spending any quality time with the child you accidentally made. Be sure to keep her busy with a new iPad and a nanny that will tuck her in every night until she’s calling her mommy. Sign her up to as many daddy issues as possible by being a horrific father figure who is never around.

6. Get her an Instagram account and hashtag #sexy on all her photos.

(Image via Pleated-jeans)


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who writes this shit?

Joanna Aziz on Jul 31, 2014 via web