The Best and Worst Make Out Spots in Beirut

There is a time and a place for making out, and that is when you’re drunk in the back of somebody’s car. There’s also some really horrible places to start locking lips – we left out the obvious places, like funerals, elementary schools, pre-schools, and most importantly, my 4th grade class Christmas recital of the Nutcracker. Thanks a lot, mom and dad.

Best: Any dim-lit bar

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The darker the better! In fact, the lights are so dim in most of these places that you barely have to look presentable to get away with this. This makes for the perfect venue for you to get your game of tonsil tennis on. Allow yourself to sink into your lovers eyes and simultaneously sink into your sixth gin and tonic. You feel like you’re the only two people in the world, and depending on what seedy bar you’re actually at, that may be the truth.

Best: The privacy of your own home

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Be an adult and make out in the privacy of your own home, please. Especially if you’re a new couple and still have vehement interest in each others’ mouth holes. You see, new couples exploring each others’ tongue space can be very off-putting to watch, which is why it is best to keep that under wraps in your house.

Best: In the middle of nowhere

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As far away from civilization as possible. Nothing beats the middle of the Mediterranean Sea for some quality make-out time. Relax and let the delightful waves carry you and your lover far away while you engage in mouth intercourse for hours on end.

Worst: coffee shops

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Such as Gloria Jeans, Café Younes, and Starbucks. I’m here to enjoy an Americano and you slobbering all over each other between bites of red velvet cake is truly ruining the moment for me. Also, you breathily whispering at each other while delicately touching one another’s faces is making me want to pour some scalding-hot coffee into my eyeballs.

Worst: your university library

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It is difficult enough to try to study inside the dungeon our university calls a library, we don’t need to watch you peck each other over and over while you playfully argue about who loves the other more. I hate you both equally.

Worst: diners, Roadster’s in particular

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Roadster Diner is holy ground for anybody who loves food. Don’t you have any respect for the sanctity of buffalo wings? Don’t you dare ruin my super sampler experience by forcing me to watch you kiss in the booth so you can pretend like you’re cast members from the movie Grease. You are not Danny and Sandy.

Worst: the movies

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I’m trying to focus on Kate Hudson’s cute and ditzy attempts to land a man because she is a strong but awkward woman, stop elbowing me in the ribs while you climb all over each other – this plot is difficult enough to follow as it is!