An unnamed commander in the United States Army has shared his strong desire to be shipped out to war again. The reason? His ever-expanding waistline.

The commander, who chose to remain anonymous, shared with reporters on Tuesday that since returning from Iraq, he has put on a staggering 100 lbs (which is roughly 45 kilograms for any Iraqis reading this) in the year that he has been home. “I’m kinda on board for another war. Diets are just too hard,” shared the commander.

(Image via Telegraph)

“At first, when I would overeat, I was like, alright, just makin’ up for all those times we had to eat all that rice – but then it got worse. I would eat Taco Bell four times a day, gorging myself on the artistic masterpieces they call the three bean burrito. I knew guacamole was extra, and got it every single time.”

The commander was in charge of the 700th Military Police Brigade, leaving him responsible for the 15 detention facilities of the coalition forces in southern Iraq. “Back there, in the I-rack, we didn’t have the pleasures that most Americans take for granted. There was no Starbucks frappuccino with extra whipped cream, and certainly no upsized Big Mac meal with an extra order of McNuggets on the side,” stated the commander passionately, adding in a breathy voice, “people just have no idea what it’s like.”

But the commander isn't the only one who wishes to go back to Iraq; his wife of ten years shares his dream. “When he came back, he was really buff and nice looking, now he’s really doughy, like dough…it’s like having sex with a pile of pancakes,” shared his distraught wife, who looked pretty doughy herself.

The story ends on a high note with things looking up for the corpulent commander. In light of the United States’ new airstrikes on ISIS camps, there is a good chance the commander will be shipped back to a fresh invasion in no time, with even worse food options this time around.

Disclaimer for the un-funny: This was a satirical blog post.

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