In an effort to remain cool and relatable, trendy militant group of the year ISIS held a board meeting in the hole they operate out of and came out with some pretty impressive decisions. The group, which gained massive popularity over the past year, has been working on basic restructuring and reforming their modes of operation in order to avoid the stagnant routine that so many other militant groups fall into.

(Image via The Daily Journalist)

The most notable of these reformatory decisions is the group’s policy on beheadings. While it was once a cornerstone of their strategy and practice, the fun militants have decided to cut back on beheadings and partake in options that would be far less messy.

"Though beheadings make more of a statement, we had many complaints from our janitorial department. They were getting annoyed because apparently blood is difficult to clean," said one of the masterminds involved in this brotherhood. “We would have loved to keep the beheadings, but they’re just not a viable option for us any longer,” he added.

However, it is important to note that ISIS' new stance on beheadings will not impact any of the beheadings that are already on the schedule, they are for new-comers only. "We're experimenting with different killing implements right now, mainly guns. We’re trying to see how to get the least amount of blood splatter possible. The custodian and laundry departments have threatened to unionize and I just can't have that happen; I don't need a labor laws headache right now," shared the cool fellow at the top.

It is clear that what ISIS seems to lack in humanity and public decency, they make up for in sensitivity towards their employees. Their vehement refusal of making their laundry staff suffer is both admirable and brave. "All we can hope for is that our employees are happy, I want them to want to come to work every morning... there is a famous saying that if you do what you love, you never have to work a day in your life, I try to implement this in ISIS every day."

Disclaimer for the unfunny: This is a satirical blog post.


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