New Year’s Resolutions For People Who Really Need Them
New Year’s Eve is associated with new beginnings and clean slates. You make a promise to yourself that you’ll inevitably break before the first week of January is through, and though most people opt for getting in shape or quitting smoking, some people could use a little help in other departments. Here are some suggestions
To ISIS:
Fewer beheadings please. Actually – we’ll take anything, like maybe some beard trimming or a change in wardrobe perhaps? Seriously, you’ve ruined the look for hipsters around the world.
To Miley Cyrus:
Tongue in mouth, pants on. Children are still recovering, Hannah Montana.
To Lebanese restaurateurs and food providers:
Your New Year’s resolution should be to reduce the percentage of poop in our food by 50% – which would still leave us with a staggering 50% feces. But hey, we’re meeting you halfway!
To the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia:
Hey, can women drive yet? Okay, that should be your resolution.
To the United States of America:
No invasions. None. No, seriously – not a single one. Try your best.
To Malaysia Airlines:
Umm…maybe you should stick to land-based transportation because the flying thing isn’t working out so well.
To the entire Lebanese government:
I know that screwing the country over is your absolute favorite activity of all time, but most of you have had a great run: 20+ years of uncensored and unregulated stealing, pillaging, and guerilla warfare-ing. Give us just one year and you can go back to your shenanigans in 2016.
To white girls on Instagram:
Let’s agree to limit your Starbucks posts to a cool three a day. Also, easy on the Pinkberry.
To Gym-aholics/Crossfit enthusiasts:
This year, try not to shove your love for the gym this deep down my throat, back it up a few inches. And Crossfitters, try to have a conversation that does not include the words “crossfit,” “training,” or “kettlebells.”
To Lebanese women:
You don’t really need to wear six inch heels and five types of mink when going for a casual breakfast.
To Lebanese men:
A little less misogyny goes a long way! We can start with viewing women as humans and work our way up to viewing them as equals. I know you can do it, I believe in you.
To Minister Nicholas Fattoush:
This year, let’s take the number of times you punch a public servant down to zero, give it the old college try.
To Minister Gebran Bassil:
When referring to a woman this year, try not to make obnoxious and inappropriate hand gestures that objectify her and discredit you. Thank you.
To Lebanon as a whole:
Okay, we have a few things to work on here. First, I know this is a tough one but: no war this year – okay? No sectarian divides, no street clashes, and definitely no guerrilla warfare. Also, let’s try for slightly more electricity and water, but slightly less collapsing bridges and crumbling school walls. See if we can manage with less racism, less sexism, less animal cruelty, less child abuse, less domestic abuse, and less illiteracy. Let’s try for more education, more funding for scientific and medical programs, more prosperity, and more love. Try not to elect idiots. Keep it together.
