How To Survive Holiday Office Parties

Whose idea was it to spend any time you have off with your boss and co-workers? The instigator of the first office party is a strange person who should have their head examined – “hey guys, we work together all day but let’s add an unpaid element to the mix” – no. Nevertheless, we have a bunch of fool-proof ways for you to survive your holiday office party this year.

Bring a gift

Show your host and co-workers that you are not the bitter person you seem to be, then immediately proceed to drink the gift you have brought forth. Nothing makes bosses and co-workers more pleasant than eight ounces of Jack Daniels.

Keep it professional

The downside to drinking excessively is that it makes you want to suck faces with everything around you. Control your urge to kiss the IT guy. Try your best not to ask your boss if that’s a candy cane in his pocket or if he’s just happy to see you. Limit the number of times your brush your breasts up against your officemate’s arm. I’m doing this for your own good.

Drink until your boss seems like a great person

In my experience, this takes three to four vodka-based drinks and up to three tequila shots, but everybody is different. Sip your drink and glance in your boss’s general direction. Is he or she seeming like less of a demon? You’re on the right track, keep drinking. If you don’t drink, go into any Lebanese mother’s medicine cabinet and pick out the anxiety medicine of your choice.

Avoid death by conversation

Attendance at a party may trick your co-workers into thinking that you care about things they say. You need to avoid this at all costs. This includes: conversing with possible vegans, political-fiends, gym-rats, and people who have a strong opinion about House music. Steer clear before you’re sucked into a 45-minute story that will leave you convulsing on the floor.

Load up on snacks

Shove as many Christmas-themed cupcakes into your mouth to offset the high levels of alcohol and drugs coursing through your bloodstream. These people do not deserve to watch you puke all over the carpet; that kind of privilege is reserved only for the best of friends.

Do some holiday digging

If your holiday party is being held at your boss’s house, you’re in for some fun! At the risk of never being invited anywhere ever again, I have to admit that nothing makes being in someone’s home more pleasant than looking through their personal things. Medicine cabinets are particularly entertaining because they have the most potential for embarrassment. They tend to reveal interesting quirks about your host, like acid reflux, gonorrhea, erectile dysfunction, and if you’re lucky: flatulence medication – extra strength.