Did you know that you can meet a man while you’re on your couch chugging vodka and eating spaghetti? Just sign onto any dating site or hookup app. Here are some guidelines for talking to men on dating sites:

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I don’t mean that they’re whiny blondes, though some of them can be. I mean you need to talk to them not too little, not too much, but just the right amount. I have a dum-dum friend who has a really stupid rule: she waits 17 hours before replying to a text. Needless to say, she doesn’t get laid very often, most probably because planning with her takes approximately three years due to her mandatory texting pauses. Don’t try to be calculating, it's fucking stupid. There is no magic number of hours to wait between responses that will land you a man, and playing emotional games with a cell phone is childish.

Considering that it’s 2016 and women are allowed to vote, you can also message your male-interest first! If you’re interested in a man or his crotch area, go ahead and message. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, he could reject you the exact same way your father did when you were a teen and bring up those emotional scars you have since buried beneath plastic surgery and a low-grade pill addiction causing you to spiral downwards into the abyss of depression, but he probably will just say, "hi" back, and proceed to ask about your tits.

If you’re not remotely interested in this person, you probably shouldn’t be messaging them at all. But in addition to being interested, you should be interesting. Ward off every instinct telling you to reply with shy one word answers. “Hi – good – yes – ok – hehe.” Don’t be such a boring asshole, ask questions, share some information about yourself. On the other hand, if they’re boring you can stop talking to them. Very few men are good looking enough to get away with being boring – maybe only the Fassbenders and Cavills of the world can get away with this.

Are you looking for a causal hookup or a long-term relationship? Try to read into what the person on the other side wants. If he blatantly stated that he is not looking for a relationship, don’t try to turn your casual sex into an engagement – you’re setting yourself up to fail.

Putting aside the fact that some guys have the paranoia levels of a coked-up monkey, but the sense of humor of a much less interesting monkey, not all jokes go over well online. Until you’ve established a rapport with someone, and you’re sure they’re going to understand the nuances of your jokes and comments, it’s best to hold off on your seemingly psychotic jokes and one-liners.

This should be a no-brainer, but since so many people are also no-brainers: always make sure your first meeting is in public. Talking to somebody via text or on the phone can be misleading; people give off a very different vibe over texting than they do in person. You may be comfortable with them at a distance then freak out once they’re within arm’s (or penis’) reach.

Because really, who gives a shit? Nobody.

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