Wait whaaaat? Did some girl really say that hot babes are ruining the world and that all men must stop them? Sure, maybe I just click-baited you. You, guy on the Internet reading this, I assure you right now that I am rocking the kind of poker face that would make you cash in all your chips and leave screaming from the casino that is your life. So let me tell you how hot babes are driving our planet straight into the proverbial cesspool that is the ditch.

1. Hot Babes Are Invading the Planet

The problem with hot babes is that they are literally everywhere. There is an endless sea of hot babes that I have to wade through just to get to the office in the morning. Upon arrival, I'm only greeted by even more and even hotter babes. I’m drowning in an undertow of hot. They are relentless. I bet you can look around you right now and see at least one hot babe. Okay, now that you’ve spotted her – stop staring because you’re probably just really creeping her the fuck out right now.

The thing is, hot babes are actually pretty common. I might even technically be one of them and not know it. But the real reason that they’re so dangerous is that you’re probably just not sleeping with enough of them. You’re probably sleeping with their more earthly and equally common counterparts down here in a place I like to call “real life.”

Welcome. We have cake down here. It’s pretty great. So, why are you all so miserable all the damned time? It’s because….

2. Hot Babes Are Using Their Hotness Against You

How dare all these hot babes go out with all these sex-crazed jerks, when they really should be with YOU, the nice guy? You’re totally great! Why don’t all the hot babes out there see how amazing you are and give up all that sweet, sweet, hot babe sex you rightfully deserve? Or, if you’re currently actually with a hot babe, how dare she get you to do all this…this…stuff!?

These ideas are just another weapon in the hot babe arsenal. Forget those stupid movies you’ve seen where the nice guy always gets the girl because he’s just awesome. Forget (as if your spank bank would ever let you) all the hot babes you might have actually been lucky enough to hang out with but left you, and realize this one thing: you don’t actually deserve a hot babe simply for existing. No one deserves anything involving another human being. We hope to be given certain things in life, but it’s kind of our job to also learn to be grateful for what we have and live with disappointment for what we don’t. That’s what’s called being a fucking adult.

3. They're the Reason Your GF Won't Make You a Sandwich

So as long as you keep expecting all the babes to cook, clean and be generally sweet to you while somehow managing to stay fit, be perfectly manicured and never smell (we sweat too, ya know?) you need to "man” up and start paying for more stuff, take out the trash once in a while and keep us safe from the cold hard world out there. Otherwise, making you a sandwich and bringing you a beer is a really raw deal for us.

The reason your uninspiring girlfriend probably doesn’t have time to make you sandwich is because she also has to find the time to slap a few coats of paint on her face in the morning, go to the gym, or eat a salad every now and again in the hopes she can ascend to official hot babe status and actually get a little power in this world. Which brings me to…

4. Hot Babes are Skewing Your Perceptions of Reality

Hot babes have this uncanny ability to force you to look through the world through a weird instagram-like hot girl filter, making you totally miss out or ignore all the great non-hot babes of the planet.

I’m a beautiful person for plenty of reasons. I have a decent pair of stems and a killer rack and I’m sure tons of guys would love to get with me, but I barely come up to some of these women’s ankles physically. I’m pretty okay with that, except for the nagging fact the society, advertising, friends and almost every single one of my boyfriends feel the need to remind me that I’m not super hot. Because the hot babes just won’t leave all the poor men alone. They’re OUT there, just existing with all their hotness and I’m just a big old cock block for standing in the way of all the sex they could be having with all of those hot babes.

Also, I’m not sure if you know this or not, but hot babes also still totally have their periods. Every month. And hot girl periods (I’m guessing) are the worst. Like girl farts.

5. Hot Babes are Ruining Your Relationships

A lot of you guys out there really do expect near perfection from women everywhere. If we’re not physically perfect and always in a great mood, or might possibly be on our periods (gasp) you never fail to let us know. When we call you out on the double standard you call us whiny, feminist or nagging bitches.

Men, stop letting hot babes inspire you to destroy perfectly solid relationships with a perfectly flawed yet otherwise lovely human beings because you still can’t shake the belief that you deserve a super model who is some rare combination of porn star and Mother Theresa. That lady does not exist.

6. Hot Babes Aren’t Even Safe From Other Hot Babes

The omnipresent hot babe is always out there, and she’s also screwing over her hot babe equals. This is because there is always an even hotter babe lurking in the shadows and she just might want to have sex with you. Most of you guys are kind of disloyal dogs, and throw a hot babe into your life and all hell usually breaks loose. But, “not ALL men are like that,” you might be shouting – but let’s just be really brutally honest here and admit that you kind of are. Every one of my serious relationships has suffered and died from some version of the hot girl plague. One former bf once cried to me on a date about how messed up he was over his ex because she knows he’ll never get a girl as hot as her again. Those words actually came out of his mouth to the woman he was ACTUALLY dating.

Every one of you has quietly wondered if you could get a hotter babe pretty much every time you look around after being in a relationship after a while, which is when all those hot babes suddenly want to talk to you. You probably could do “better.” Of course you could, but there isn’t one tiny guarantee that better person won’t also make you soul crushingly miserable. And it’s because you’re already miserable, see? It’s a fucking trap.

7. Hot Babes Will Never Leave You Alone. Ever.

Hot babes really ARE the source of all your unhappiness, but not for the reasons you think. If you think a hot babe will make you happier than your run-of-the-mill-general babe, then by all means give it a shot. But she’ll never make you happy because you’re probably just an unhappy person. If you’re the “I just need variety” type, an endless stream of hot babes won’t do it either. I have one friend who get’s more hot babes than New York has cases of herpes. But he sits around and writes long poems about how desperately he is looking for love because no girl ever measures up to his insanely high expectations. You could probably line up all the hot babes in one room and NONE of them will be able to compete with the hot babe in his imagination. So, why would anyone try?

If you need a more beautiful lady to be happy it’s not a beautiful woman you need, it’s a beautiful soul.

In Conclusion:

An old proverb says: no man with a supremely beautiful wife has ever enjoyed a peaceful night’s sleep. Want to know why? He’s busy making both of them miserable telling by her to cover up and to wear longer shorts. He is relentlessly feeling inadequate, and worrying endlessly about losing to her to her that more attentive, better looking or more successful co-worker she always chats with. I’ve seen men driven to rage over fears that some superior stud will come and sex up their totally non-hot babes when they’re not looking.

The truth is you probably already have a hot babe. If you don’t believe me, immediately ask the girl you’re seeing to go to a dance club and make a mental note of all the sweaty dudes you have to beat off when she forgets to wear her “I have a boyfriend” name tag before stepping out on the floor. And stop letting all those evil hot babes ruin your life all the damned time and let more of us normal looking chicks down here have a shot at it. We’re all equally qualified to ruin your life. Only just a small handful of us are actually truly qualified to make YOURS a whole hell of a lot better.

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