Let us take a walk through the land of exes. The deserted wasteland where you have left a plethora of mouth-breathers and premature ejaculators, let us journey through past regrets and abysmal failures together.


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Though it is seen as a sign of failure, the ability to end relationships is something magnificent that we often take for granted in today’s world. Think back to the “olden days” when a man would buy a woman for the hefty price of three cows, or whatever. She couldn’t just wake up one day and exclaim, “hey, I don’t like your mother or the fact that you eat moose with your bare hands, we need to break up!” No. She had to stick it out until her timely death at the age of 35, presumably after being mauled by a large animal or catching a cold – both fatal and regular occurrences at the time.

That being said, we can realize how important the mere ability to break up is. We can effectively eliminate anybody out of our lives, for any reason – and all we’re left with is horrible pieces of jewelry and a sense of wondering what he is doing now with his new girlfriend. This is what I feel my ex-boyfriend is doing with his current girlfriend right now:

1. Misusing words and phrases with utmost confidence.
Guess what sweetheart? You and I didn’t have “great feng shui” because that is something that pertains to furniture and apartments.

2. Talking about me, and any other ex.
Yep, he’s probably discussing how horrible I was because I wouldn’t eat rice and because I was open about loving my dog more than I loved him. It’s all true; I am a rice-hating dog-obsessed woman.

3. "Small-talk texting” her to death.
Small-talk texting is one of the worst parts of a new relationship, you get asked how you are fifteen times a day and can never answer honestly, “Well, I just realized that life is basically meaningless and that the human condition is arbitrary, fleeting, and fragile – how are YOU?” You can’t really say that, so you’ll probably just say you’re great and move on. My ex’s specialty was asking random questions to make someone feel important. For example, asking her if she loves sea bass then never taking her out to consume any because he has to have dinner with his mom/aunt/boss every single night of his life.

4. Telling her a long and winding story, with no end in sight.
Don’t hold your breath; the stories about his boss will only get longer and more detailed. Has he given you a detailed account of his boss’s health problems yet? Well, wait for it – it’s coming.

5. Trying to sell her on a threesome.
After he establishes himself as a steady boyfriend, he will start to bring up threesomes. OFTEN. He will tell you about how he read that it is "the most intense experience in the world." First: know that he doesn’t read anything beyond instructions on how to make soup. He will also tell you that he wants to do it for your pleasure, not his. So second: know that he’s a big liar. He can barely get one woman to sleep with him at a time, but I suppose since you're now dating him, you already know that.

6. Subtly suggesting she get plastic surgery.
It’s okay – he does it to everybody he meets.

7. Making really dumb plans.
Yeah – so I never loved the idea of us climbing Mount Kilimanjaro mostly because he never seemed capable of climbing a flight of stairs without a break. Also, it’s cute that you think I ever trusted you enough to be on a mountain with you.

8. Trying to kiss her in the middle of an argument.
That’s not as charming as you think.

What I Imagine My Ex-Boyfriend and His Current Girlfriend Are Doing Now
 

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