On Wednesday morning, CNN’s capable Carol Costello was able to aptly pinpoint the methods behind ISIS’s recruitment of Western women: Nutella, kittens, and emojis.

That’s right, Costello’s segment served as a warning to Western women: do not be lured into a terrorist organization by the mere suggestion of hazelnut-flavored chocolate spread. Just how dumb do you think we are, Carol? As irresistible as that marketing pitch is, we know to hold out for way cooler things before joining ISIS.

We, the women who are being sought after by ISIS demand, at the very least:

1. Fulfillment in the form of non-stop movie screenings of 50 Shades of Grey FOREVER. Non-stop.

2. Spa packages, manicures and pedicures included.

3. Puppies for the women who are not cat-lovers.

That’s right, it takes more than a funky emoji to recruit women into the most gruesome and violent terrorist organization of our time – we need more; maybe we need free Netflix accounts. For life.

All jokes aside, this report could have two possible harrowing truths: it’s either that both CNN and Carol Costello are genuinely convinced that women can be recruited into extreme terrorism by way of emojis and chocolate, and they are sincerely warning them. Or, ISIS is actually utilizing these methods, which tells us that their knowledge of women comes from an issue of Seventeen magazine from 1993.

Costello’s argument is that ISIS has been relaying its jihadist messages and hate speech by showing Western women that ISIS is no different than they are, ISIS too enjoys the occasional Nutella binge just as much as the fresh divorcée.

Dear CNN and Carol Costello, at the off-chance that you are reading this, please give yourselves a slap in the face. Give yourselves another slap, and then recognize that you broadcasted a ridiculous claim that Western women are joining ISIS because of emojis and kittens. Is your next segment going to be about how men are drawn to ISIS because of Playstations and boobs?

We all know the only thing that's really going to convince a Western woman to drop everything to run off to the Middle East in the hopes of becoming a Jihadist bride is Channing Tatum slathered in vanilla frosting and wrapped in bacon while reading a book and simultaneously rubbing our feet at the same time, also: oral sex. Alright, maybe that's just my fantasy. There, ladies, you've been warned.

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