Nine Ways Cats Are Like Men

Many of us fancy ourselves dog people. Dogs are loyal, affectionate, and they’ll save you when you’re drowning in a lake. In other words, they are not cats. Cat-love is conditional upon a few things. In other words, they are like men.

Here are nine ways cats are like men… because cats have nine lives. Also, because I couldn’t think of ten.

1. If you leave a window open, they will leave you.

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All things considered, cats should feel like they’ve got a pretty sweet deal going on. They have food, water, and a place to take a shit. Yet, if you open the figurative and literal window to the cold, foreign world of exotic rodents and other women, they will leave you.

2. If you give them too much attention, they will leave you.

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They will purr and rub themselves all over your legs, vying for your attention. If you give them very little, they will roll around adorably, teasing you into submission. When you break down and reciprocate that affection, they will feel suffocated and leave you.

3. They take your food.

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No uncovered leftovers are safe. It does not matter that your cat is well fed, eating intermittently throughout the day. If you pause to take a breath before continuing your chicken wings, your cat will slyly slip it off your plate, deciding that you have had enough. If you don’t allow this, they may not leave you, but they will not like you.

4. They seem to have a special liking for people who don’t like them back.

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We all have that friend who is allergic to cats and tears up every time one is around. This is the friend who does anything they can to avoid cats, even avoiding friendships with cat owners. We also all know the cat does not give a damn, and will saunter over to the wheezing, teary-eyed friend, rubbing their fur on his or her legs. This can be likened to the man who tries extra hard to flirt with your friend who hates people in general, hates men in general, or just hates him specifically.

5. They give you gifts you don’t appreciate.

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“Oh, you don’t want this headless mouse?”asks your cat. “You don’t want this carcass on your bedroom floor?” This draws parallels to the man who buys you a kitchen appliance for your birthday.

6. They are easily distracted.

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One minute you’re having a serious conversation with your cat and the next minute your feline friend is chasing a tiny red dot around the room. Or a bug. Or an inanimate object. The point is, they are all more interesting than what you have to say. The same goes for men and a new pair of boobs (any boobs, really).

7. They come and go as they please.

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Cats feel that they have the natural right to roam around and return to you when they please. In other words, they like to leave you.

8. They’ll do anything to avoid showing they’ve been injured.

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In the words of the late George Carlin: “You ever seen a cat race across a carpet and crash into a glass door? ‘I meant that…I meant that. That’s exactly how I wanted that to look…’ Cat’s too proud to let you see him suffer. But you look behind the couch and you’ll find your cat recuperating from a domestic accident.”

9. They mark their territory.

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If you have ever watched a man puff his chest out, drape his arm across your shoulders, and have a stare down with any potential male suitor looking your way, you can liken it to a cat claiming his territory. Except cats use urine.