Drop-Crotch Pants: A New Threat To Our Nation

This is an emergency public service announcement. Lebanon faces a threat more worrisome than any nuclear weapon or foreign invasion potentially looming over our sacred land. That threat, my dear countrymen and women, is drop-crotch joggers.

Drop-crotch joggers (or drop-crotch pants) are a pant style with, as the name suggests, a dropped crotch. These fashion crimes against humanity were first popularized in the 1980’s (much like their equally-dangerous counterpart, bangs) and are now making a comeback. This is yet another thing we can blame on Justin Bieber, as they seem to be his favorite type of pant. This fact should automatically make you hate them even more.

(Image via kanyetothe.com)

Whose idea was this? Who is the true terrorist behind this especially sadistic kind of eyeball torture? We already spent the better part of our adolescence with baggy pants around the knees because 50 Cent told us that was the only way to live. I thought those days were behind us; we’re adults now. We pulled the pants up so I say it is time to pull the crotch up, too.

Is the point of wearing them to make it look like you’ve shit your pants? Because that’s exactly what it looks like. Either that, or you’re trying to carry a baby around in the crotch of your pants. Men, do you really need that much room for your “carrot and two onions” to bounce around? And women, isn’t that amount of empty space around your vagina troubling? Personally I like clothes that cling to my lady parts like the tight embrace of possessive lover.

Come on now, our generation gets enough flack for doing ridiculous things; let’s not add “crap pants” to the list!

Let us all join forces to ensure this epidemic does not sweep our already fragile, failed nation. Let us commit to the skinny jean and the well-fitted pant. Let us announce our allegiance to skirts and shorts, and deny the emergence of this devil’s wear. We already have women who insist on wearing platform sneakers and men who wear shiny polyester suits on the regular; we don’t need the added visual assault.

If you’re interested in these pants, maybe it is time to take a good hard look at your life and examine why your fashion choices mirror that of Disney’s Princess Jasmine. So please, we ask that you un-drop the crotch, keep our country safe, protect our eyeballs, stop the madness.

Bless you.