Why ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Would Never Work In Lebanon

Do you think somewhere in Lebanon there exists a man like Christian Grey, waiting to find his Lebanese Anastasia Steele so he can shower her with gifts and expensive cars and then stalk her like a homicidal maniac when she doesn’t return his calls? Delicious.

In Seattle, where the original Fifty Shades of Grey takes place, Christian and Anastasia find their happy ending after the businessman emotionally manipulates her and then makes it all better with a helicopter ride and a Macbook Pro.

The fact is, Fifty Shades of Grey has very little to do with sex, and a lot to do with class and money. The product placement in both the book and movie puts Sex and the City’s Manolo Blahnik obsession to shame. E.L. James and the movie-makers took part in an exceptional exercise in luxury branding to make aggressive acts like stalking, emotional abuse, and manipulation seem charming and appealing.

Things would be very different if the story was set in Lebanon, featuring your typical 24-year old Lebanese girl and, as is likely in our case, a 47-year old Lebanese man-child. Here’s why:

1. Anastasia’s Phone

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In the book and the movie, Anastasia still uses a flip phone. Perhaps this is a ridiculous way of highlighting the economic differences between her and Christian, but be certain that no proper Lebanese girl would be caught dead with a flip phone post-2001.

2. Christian gifts her a book

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Imagine a group of Lebanon’s finest socialites discussing their gifts of the month: “Cartier bracelet, Tiffany’s necklace… what do you mean he gave you a book? Like, to read? No, no, no.”

3. Anastasia works at a hardware store

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Yeah, no. That would not bode well with her Lebanese parents.

4. The “playroom”

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Instead of BDSM paraphernalia, which is difficult to find, Lebanese Christian’s playroom would be filled with an Xbox, PlayStation, and several other things his parents bought him.

5. He gives her an Audi A3

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Guess what? Lebanese Anastasia wants an R8. Why should you drive an R8 while she drives an A3?

6. Anastasia has a full bush

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Most self-respecting Lebanese girls are lasered and plucked until they’ve achieved the desired Sphinx cat-look by their 13th birthday.

7. Anastasia wears flats

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In Lebanon we wear high heels to breakfast.

8. Christian basically fingers her in front of his parents

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Lebanese girls love sucking up to mothers; they would not be caught dead getting fingered at the dinner table.

9. The plane and helicopter ride would play out differently

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In Lebanon, Christian’s plane and helicopter might get randomly shot down after being mistaken for Israeli warplanes.