Listen up: your mother doesn’t care if you post a picture of her on Instagram with the caption ‘My Queen *emoji, emoji, emoji*’ – she needs and deserves more than that.

This woman managed to not kill you all the times you made her look like a garbage-can of a mother while you screamed for more Rice Krispie Treats at the supermarket; she deserves something tangible. So, step aside Martha Stewart, you don't know shit about mothers until you've dealt with my mother publicly praying that I give her a grandchild before she dies.

Here are some hot tips to keep your life-giver happy on her one special day, before you go back to treating her like crap for the rest of the year.


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You can straight up shove that card. Cards stopped being cute when you became a double-digit age. You’re a grown ass person now, it’s time to up the ante. Cards are basically the middle-finger equivalent of gifts, and a good rule of thumb (I know I'm getting real finger-y here but try to keep up, guys) is to not gift your mother anything that can be found at a supermarket. Expensive moisturizers that hold the promise of youth or hard cash are always safe bets.

Food and Alcohol

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Buy her a Momosa, ha ha, get it? Though drinking may be frowned upon before 5 PM, consuming your alcohol with a splash of orange juice automatically turns it into a normal breakfast beverage. Give your mom the alcohol she deserves because 1) she puts up with you on a regular basis and 2) you’re probably a terrible, terrible person. You’re probably the type of kid who gets annoyed when she asks you what you’d like to have for dinner because it requires you to pause House of Cards and take one earbud out to mumble an answer. So do me a favor: buy your mother a drink. When she’s good and tipsy, start ordering food and don’t protest when she insists on sending the omelet back two or three times, the way she loves to do. Chime in that you think these omelets are garbage compared to her egg-tastic meals at home.

Get your dad in on it

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Moms may forgive their cute offspring for screwing up this precious holiday, but you know who they’ll never forgive? The husbands who should know better. Come on, baby-daddies, do your part. If you didn’t want to celebrate years of useless holidays like these then you should have just worn a condom that one hot summer night.

Call her bluff

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Most importantly, don’t fall for your mother’s lies when she says she doesn’t want anything this Mother’s Day. This is clearly a test, and you need to pass in order to prove your worthiness as her offspring.

Bonus: get married and pregnant ASAP

(Image via collegecandy)

This is ultimately the best gift you could give your mother this Mother's Day, so start screwing today!


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