If you’re anything like me, you find yourself Googling “how to lose 10 kilos in 4 days” at least three times a week. I am all about the crash diets. Don’t tell me about eating right and exercising – I’m looking for a more impractical, certain-to-backfire in 24 hours approach. That's why I’ve compiled a handy list of the most popular and sensible weight-loss plans in Lebanon right now.

1. The Wael Abu Faour Diet

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This diet is easy to follow and extremely effective. It entails pulling up a list of all the restaurants Health Minister Wael Abu Faour has deemed unclean and unsafe, and eating exclusively at said restaurants. The combination of food poisoning, salmonella, and carcinogenic elements your body will be exposed to will definitely help you slim down and get in shape for your next event.

2. The Blood/Organ Donation Diet

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If you’re looking for a quick fix to help you get some scale-relief, look no further. By donating a pint of blood, your body burns 650 calories AND gets rid of all that goddamn blood preventing you from fitting into your jeans from high school.

If that doesn’t work, or if you start passing out while driving, you need to re-evaluate how committed you are to this plan. Do you or do you not want to be able to wear a bikini this summer without making your fellow beach-goers vomit? Now that I’ve got your attention, it’s time for phase two of this diet wherein you donate one of your vital organs to medicine. It would be smart to go for bigger, heavier organs right off the bat: your brain weighs a kilo, while your liver weighs a whopping 1.5 kilos – it is up to you to decide how committed you truly are to being a skinny bitch. Just know that Kate Moss would give up both in a heartbeat. She probably already has.

3. The Assisted Diet

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If you strive to be an extremely angry person who occasionally passes out, this is the diet for you! This new and revolutionary weight loss program entails having a personal assistant follow you around and violently smack food out of your hand. Pick somebody who is physically stronger than you and will be able to overpower you and knock the food out of your hand before you stick it in your greedy mouth. Bruises and concussions are normal side-effects.

4. The Game of Thrones Diet

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This is probably the easiest diet of the bunch; you get to eat unlimited amounts of pastries, ham, beef, chicken, vegetables, and sweets – until you get killed off. Or you’ll have your arm amputated, which is a surefire way to drop 4 kilos instantly.

5. The World War III Diet

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This diet is the perfect opportunity for those who want to shed a few kilos and simultaneously prepare for the next imminent world war. Stock your house with the following:
1 can of sardines
2 cans of tuna
3 slices of processed cheese
1 stick of butter
3 packets of McDonald’s ketchup
1 packet of old pickles from that one time you bought a rotisserie chicken

Now lock yourself in your home for an entire month and ration those foods as you would during a war.

Weight loss guaranteed.

6. The Grapefruit Diet, With A Twist

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This is similar to the classic grapefruit diet where you consume so much grapefruit that you end up hating your life, but you have a gorgeous figure to hate it with. But with this version of the diet, you don’t consume any of the grapefruit; you simply hit yourself over the head with a large grapefruit every time hunger strikes. The blow should be hard enough that it renders you unconscious and prevents you from consuming any pesky calories. Remember: beauty hurts.

7. The Neuro-Diet

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This sophisticated diet begins when a team of neurosurgeons sever certain nerves in your spinal cord which will result in muscular atrophy of the legs, causing you to lose up to 20 kilos in no time. This diet is ideal for those of you who need to lose that last hundred kilos in time for your summer high school reunion.

8. The Political Diet

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This diet is extremely effective in Lebanon and very easy to follow. The premise is simple: you don’t eat until the Lebanese republic elects a president; there is a 15 kilo per month weight loss guarantee! Also, you’ll appear intellectually sophisticated for having principles against our country’s political stagnation. Do you think Gandhi really went on a hunger strike because of the British occupation? Of course not, he had to wear a white sheet which is extremely unflattering and he always hated his hips.

Disclaimer for the slow and un-funny: this was a satirical blog post.


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hahahhaha very well written! made my morning ... hopefully my day too :P

Hiba Kteich on Mar 26, 2015 via web