During a press conference that was intended to update the Lebanese public on the growing list of health risks, violations, and concerns, Health Minister Wael Abu Faour finally said: “f*ck it” and threw his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care.

But apparently, he does care.

“The Minister just received lab results confirming his suspicions that the air in the Lebanese atmosphere is made of literal garbage,” shared a source on the Health Minister’s team. “He is just devastated; he was talking about moving to Utah and setting up a small farm. Needless to say, he’s in a bad place right now.”

(Image via The Daily Star)

The lab results in question sampled air from all around the small country in order to determine how safe it was to breathe in Lebanon. Apparently it isn’t; it isn't safe at all. After Abou Faour’s year-long crusade against restaurants and snack houses that has left the public with nowhere to eat except their mother’s house (for now) – he has moved on to bigger and better things.

News of the air’s toxic properties broke shortly after it was discovered that most Lebanese spices contained “alarming” levels of carcinogenic materials and that most of the water and cheese is tainted with E.Coli. “Diets are controllable and the public can get used to a more bland approach to cooking, but guarding ourselves against toxic air will take more dedication,” stated Abou Faour.

In order to face this new threat, Abou Faour has encouraged citizens to wear gas masks at all times to protect themselves from the cesspool that is our nation. The minister also recommended “taking shorter, shallower breaths as opposed to long and deep ones.” Abou Faour has also put a hold on any yoga classes being offered in Lebanon, citing that the deep breathing would result in a lethal amount of poison being inhaled. The Ministry of Health has also stated it will crackdown on the providers of air in Lebanon.

Disclaimer for the slow and un-funny: This was a satirical blog post.


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