New Traffic Law Puts Entire Country Behind Bars

“I thought it was an April Fool’s Joke at first,” shared Jad Dergham, a local Hamra policeman. “Do they really expect us to stop every person for speeding and cycling without a helmet? I don’t have time for that, I still haven’t beat level 231 on Candy Crush,” said Dergham as he angrily lit a cigarette and replied to the Whatsapp messages from his mistress.

(GIF via Share Gif)

We spoke to the arresting officer of one of the young men who failed to pay extensive fines for loitering, jaywalking, and not using the pedestrian bridge. Karim J. was arrested on Jal El Dib highway when he tried to cross over to McDonald’s for what he thought was an innocent upsized Big Mac meal.

“Karim put Lebanon’s security in danger,” stated the arresting officer who looked like a douche, as most cops do. “Karim said there were no pedestrian bridges or sidewalks; but that’s not my problem, he should have waited for us to build some.” Upon his release from jail, Karim was weary and reportedly walked from Antelias to Jounieh to find a pedestrian bridge to cross, in order to avoid arrest. “I’ll always use the pedestrian bridge from now on, even if it’s not there,” he said.

But Karim is only one out of two million drivers who are currently behind bars for violating the many new sub-categories of the new law. The new law stipulates that points be deducted from driver’s licenses after each violation, which rendered the Lebanese population license-less within hours. Security forces confirmed that those driving without a license would not result in any point deduction, a little loophole to keep in mind.

Here at Beirut.com, we are disappointed that the point system does not take other more dire matters into consideration. For example, we would love it if people abusing their wives or housekeepers would get points deducted from their driver’s licenses. We will settle, however, for fining men who wear flip-flops and skull-themed jewelry.