We all know that wine is the second best thing to come out of the Bekaa Valley. When you can't get your hands on the first thing, this will still do the trick.

The problem with asking a store clerk to help you pick out wine is that they’ll hassle you with tons of questions like, “Do you have a preference for the origin of the wine? What year would you like?” It’s like: no I don’t care where or how the grape grew up, I’m just trying to forget some of my life choices and buy the second cheapest wine available so you, dear stranger, think I have a shred of class and preference.

Seeing as how my only qualification for reviewing wine is the fact that I try to drink it on a daily basis, here are my Lebanese wine recommendations!



For the hard-working Lebanese mom, we have Ksara’s Blanc de Blanc. Pour out a glass, swirl it around, and then proceed to drink straight from the bottle if nobody is watching. Now is the time to read your kids’ report cards; oh, little Karim can’t read? Drink some more and notice how surprisingly okay with that you are. This gorgeous yellow wine may look like pee, but it also tastes a lot like pee – so, enjoy. This oaky chardonnay is like, not oaky at all probably – I don’t even know if it’s a chardonnay but the end-game is all the same: you end up passed out on the couch while the kids go through your stuff and find your extensive dildo collection.



For the sophisticated palate of pre-teen whores we have a lovely pink selection, the Chateau Musar’s Jeaune Rosé. It is bursting with fruit, just like your womb will be on prom night – that joke means that you’re going to get pregnant... at your prom. This pairs wonderfully with a Big Mac or Roadster’s chicken strips dipped in buffalo sauce with a side of sour cream.



For men who are over 50 and filthy rich, you can pair your obnoxious cigar with a fine glass of Wardy’s Private Selection red. It has the word private in it, like your penis is privately seen by girls you pay and urologists. There are tons of smells in this one: cedar, spice, your dentures, and your daughter’s visible daddy issues.



For the suburban trophy wife, we have a lovely glass of red from Chateau Kefraya Les Breteches – round and fruity, just like your husband. Drink it and: mmmm, it stings your mouth so good. This wine will also stain your teeth wonderfully, and make you look like you’ve been feasting on vats of blood, which is very sophisticated and cool. Pair with any Hermès bag.



Now for people in their twenties, you’re starting to grow up and impressing your friends is important. That’s why I always order a glass of Chateau Ka’s Cadet de Ka – in whatever year is cheapest. This one is a little dry. Oh fuck, it’s extremely dry, grab a beverage quick because you’re about to be robbed of all your saliva. Okay, we’re good. Now, this cabernet has 14% alcohol content, which is pretty high and that’s what you should be looking for in all your wines. Okay honestly, this one kind of smells like nail polish remover, the Sally Hansen one in particular, but it tastes really nice, like I’m starting to forget that my chances of being gainfully employed are slim to none.



On a final note, I’ll end by saying that I wish wine tasted more like cherry jam.

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