Being a Lebanese mistress is hard work. Forget about being a dedicated wife and mother, putting together a home and micromanaging every person’s life in it, all the while trying to keep up with your career and even maintaining some semblance of a personal life. No. All that is a joke in comparison to being a mistress to a married man, particularly in Lebanon.

Here is a glimpse into the effort involved in being a successful Lebanese mistress.


1. Finding the right man


This is the first step in becoming a full-fledged Lebanese mistress. In order to be a successful mistress, you need to find a married man who you can have an affair with; that means hanging around older men with loose morals. This man could be your boss at work or one of the older tools who is constantly smoking a cigar at Cocteau, L’avenue, Metropole, or your choice of restaurant in Minet el Hosn. These men seem to have a genetic predisposition to cheating on their wives; maybe it’s something in the cigars that brings it out of them.

2. Nabbing the man


Getting a married Lebanese man to engage in an affair with you is a complicated and delicate matter. You will need to look or breathe in their general direction, after which they will willingly forget any vows they have taken. Seriously, just look at them once and vaguely suggest that you’re interested, and as long as you’re younger than their wife, they will be game.

3. Selfishness and low morality


In general, you need to have total disregard for anybody else’s feelings. Ignore the small voice in the back of your head telling you that you’re ruining a woman and her family’s lives because of your own selfish desires. That voice is just morality – and when was the last time morality bought you a pair of earrings after you went down on it in a hotel room? Never.

4. Appearance is key


The desired appearance for a Lebanese mistress seems to be a unique combination of sultry and plastics. Basically, you should look like the product of Steven Tyler f*cking a life raft. It’s completely acceptable that you don’t look like you belong to the human race, as long as you don’t look your age. Along with being soulless, you also have to be completely hairless because chances are, his wife has let herself go and you will need to make him remember what female legs feel like; this means religiously getting yourself punished via waxes and lasers.

5. Zero to limited self-esteem


Being a mistress means being ignored most of the day while your knight in garbage armor is with his family. You won’t be able to text, call, or see him freely until he makes time for you; this requires Olympic levels of self-hatred and emotional numbness. It is preferential that you engage in heavy prescription drug-use so that you forget that you’re a side-piece who is only there for his pleasure when he has a minute to spare, before he goes back to the person he takes out in public.

6. Weird sex stuff


You know all those things his wife won’t do in bed? Congratulations, they’re all on you now! Enjoy trying that “fun” fisting thing he saw in a porno once, or licking all the places his wife won’t go near. The payoff will come when he buys you something sparkly that will serve as a physical reminder of how loose your morals and ethics are. Remember, the world is running out of diamonds, and the only way I know how to make a diamond is to give a blowjob to a married man.

7. Make him feel like hot shit


His wife has already heard his impression of the Looney Tunes martian a few hundred times, so it’s on you to make him feel like it’s the coolest thing you’ve ever heard. Oh, and his theory on how stock markets are not real? Brilliant. Widen your eyes and nod in awe of this incredible man before you whose wife is already sick of his conspiracy theories and the fact that he regularly masturbates into her clothes, probably.

8. The ability to run and hide, quickly


Lebanon is a small country, and that means there is a good chance you’ll be seen out with this man by his wife or one of her friends. Practice running away from the woman wielding a knife who wants to cut you for ruining her life and sleeping with her husband, then practice climbing into confined spaces and staying there until the coast is clear. As you can see, being a mistress is super fun, dignified, and a cool way to spend your time and emotional currency.

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