We all enjoy a good mindf-ck. Now, for some people, that involves doing a long and uncomfortably hot session of vinyasa yoga and then sucking down a blended mixture of kale and spinach – good for you, keep doing you. However, for me mindf-cking myself into a good mood involves a healthy mixture of booze, drugs, and food.

We each have our own rituals; I want to share some of my favorite ways to get mindf-cked in Beirut, in hopes that they may help a gentle soul find its path to total oblivion.

Now that we’ve all binge-watched House of Cards and realized that season three of Hannibal doesn’t come out until the summer, we need to pass the time on all those boring week nights. On most week nights I’ll have a couple of glasses of red wine, smoke half a joint, and let half a Xanax dissolve under my tongue – I call this tucking myself in.

This is a great way to help you forget that you have to see your coworker’s faces in a mere six hours; it also ensures that you won’t be soberly tempted to text any ex-lovers, because if you do it while tipsy, it does not count – that’s science.

Pour another glass of wine and spend your mellowed buzzed night looking at YouTube videos of old comedy specials and noticing how racist and misogynistic they are. Alternatively, you can Wikipedia famous serial killers and read about details of their horrendous crimes until you pass out and dream that Ted Bundy is whacking you over the head with a shovel. Wake up feeling as though he definitely did.

On nights where you’re craving a human connection beyond the beloved characters in YouTube videos, you can go out for some drinks after work.

I’ve found that the perfect balance for a great buzz is three gin and tonics, no cucumber. Drink these then stop by a supermarket and purchase hot and spicy chips. Go home and pour yourself a glass of water, set it down on the table and forget that you ever poured it. Eat the aforementioned chips all the while checking your Instagram and being exceptionally generous with your distribution of likes. This is the only time I will like posts of people’s babies and/or outfits. Pass out with your face in the chips.

For weekends, the best way to remain in a fun haze is to day-drink yourself into the night; this is a very delicate procedure so I’ve designed an intricate schedule to stick to.

Saturday, 11:00 am: Brunch – Order food + two Bloody Marys’ or Bellinis.

Saturday, 2:00 pm: Bar/café #1 – Order a couple of beers.

Saturday, 4:00 – 6:00 pm: Go somewhere beautiful, preferably by the sea. Consume two cocktails and share appetizers with a cherished one.

Saturday, 7:00 – 8:00 pm: Nap.

Saturday, 9:00 pm: Dinner with two glasses of wine.

Saturday, 11:00 pm: Consume two drinks, then go home.

Sunday: Die.

Finally, on nights when you’re feeling your absolute grossest, you can go out to any dive bar of your liking with a close friend, peer-pressure each other into drinking three cocktails and a few tequila shots, then head over to your favorite post-drinking Beirut spots. The most popular choices of post-alcohol foods seem to be: a chicken sub from Barbar, a halloum-bacon wrap from Zaatar W Zeit, or a chocolate milkshake from Bliss House.

So go forth and mindf-ck yourself into oblivion, but be safe. Don’t drink and drive like a dummy, there’s no reason for you to be killing people on what’s supposed to be a fun night. Take an Uber or a cab service.

The Best Ways to Get Mindf*cked In Beirut


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