Gebran Khalil Gebran once said, “If Lebanon was not my country, I would have chosen it to be.” This begs the question, what was my man GG smoking, and can I have some?

No but seriously, Lebanon can be pretty great when it’s not being a completely regressive, oppressive, corrupt, sexist factory of human rights violations. Our scenery is gorgeous, the food is incredible, and the people are the best. But the Lebanese identity is a complex one, and that is why we have broken it down in this simple guide by pinpointing the major aspects of being a Lebanese person in order to help you conform.

Tread carefully.


Pride

(Image via arabiangazette.com)

The cornerstone of the Lebanese identity is an overwhelming sense of pride. You should be extremely proud that you’re Lebanese and always have a cheat-sheet of reasons why that is, including these popular go-to sentiments:

1. Always exclaim that Lebanon is unlike other Arab countries, and is way more progressive.

2. Assert that Lebanon is the perfect mix of traditional family values and Western/liberal ideals.

3. Be sure to mention the Phoenicians at some point in the conversation, while maintaining complete oblivion as to who they are or what they did.

4. Spend most of your time cursing Lebanon, its people, and its culture; but completely lose your mind when someone else criticizes it.



Dissatisfaction and Complaining


In stark contrast with the overwhelming sense of pride, you also need to have feelings of intense dissatisfaction towards anything and everything; it’s just the Lebanese way. This entails a whole lot of complaining, and don’t worry, there is always a ton to complain about – namely:

1. Traffic and lousy infrastructure.

2. Lack of healthcare, security, and economic growth.

3. Corrupt politicians.

4. Find ways to complain about everything even something as innocuous as the size of Lebanese Pounds bills.

5. A contradictory sense of dissatisfaction towards existing rules and laws, as well as the lack of rules and laws.

6. When laws are eventually made, be sure to complain about how they’re not enforced, this should be done when you’re on the phone while driving.



Food

(Image via eface.in)

Lebanese people love to eat; it’s almost half of the identity. It is impossible to discuss Lebanon without the words ‘hummus’ and ‘tabbouleh’ coming up. Our claim to fame in the Guinness book of world records is a huge vat of chickpeas, so yeah – we take our hummus seriously. However, to achieve complete Lebanese-ness:

1. You must obsess over hummus all the while exclusively eating Italian food and sushi.

2. Engage in three or four arguments with your peers over whose mother makes the best mloukhiyye.



General Mannerisms and Values

(Image via berro.com)

Some defining mannerisms of a Lebanese person:

1. Always drive like an animal.

2. Always be rude and condescending to people who are beneath you, a category that includes everyone besides yourself.

3. Be vapid and shallow, but fill your Instagram with deeply spiritual quotations.

4. Document all your charity works on social media.

5. Stick an arguile in your mouth whenever you possibly can.

6. Periodically overreact about silly things (an Olympian skier’s tits, Mia Khalifa, and a Miss Universe selfie) all the while ignoring major events (bombs, poverty, and human rights abuses.)

7. For women: assert your need for independence and gender equality all the while looking for a man to put you up in a mansion and take care of you.

8. For men: maintain medieval levels of misogyny accompanied by a simultaneous worship of your mother.

9. Your religious views are not for yourself, rather for society. Be sure to blast your religion loud and proud while preserving your unethical and ungodly ways.



Politics, Politics, and More Politics

(Image via samihalabi.com)

Lebanon and politics are like drugs and rock stars; they go hand in hand and are terrible for each other. These are the main political characteristics of a Lebanese person:

1. Express your hatred for politics, express your love for a certain political party, and compare politicians according to how much money they’ve embezzled over the years.

2. Discuss, rather enthusiastically, how the mayoral elections in Honolulu will affect the situation in Lebanon because it is the center of the universe.

3. Have little to no memory. This is exemplified in continuously electing the same losers who have repeatedly driven the country to war and economic distress.



Physical Appearance


Disregard all the other points because this is the only one that truly matters. Out of the 24 hours in a day, you should dedicate approximately 16 of them towards optimizing your physical appearance. Follow these general guidelines:

1. Don’t even think about going out in just jeans and a t-shirt, unless we’re talking Dolce jeans and Gabbana t-shirts. Lebanese people are always dressed to the nines.

2. For women: the higher the heel, the closer to God. Never leave your home without full make-up on, and be sure to superglue eyelashes to the most sensitive area of the human body (the eyeball, you guys) in order to attract male attention, much like a peacock whores itself out for attention. You goal weight should be that of a nine-year old child, as long as it’s a skinny nine year old.

3. For men: Paco Rabanne’s 1 Million – anytime, anywhere, the more the better. Also, be sure to either be a man who goes to the gym 4-6 hours a day and subsists exclusively on protein shakes; or a man who eats 4-6 shawarmas for breakfast – there is no in-between.



The Foreign Passport

(Image via airliners.net)

One last thing, one of the main ways to be a Lebanese person through and through is to somehow acquire a foreign passport. There is a multitude of ways to do this, including:

1. Sham marriage.

2. Real marriage.

3. Being rich enough to just buy one from a corrupt African nation.

4. Scamming an entire government and attaining one.

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Sounds about right

Ryan Hamze on May 27, 2015 via mobile web
 
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Sounds about right

Ryan Hamze on May 27, 2015 via mobile web