Have you recently experienced symptoms of bloating, fatigue, and nausea of the palm? Has your hand recently missed a period? Congratulations, you’re going to be the proud parent of a hand-baby!

(Images via Haberturk.com and Amazon.com)

A Turkish televangelist named Mucahid Cihad Han has taken time out from his busy schedule of being a whack-job to proclaim that men who masturbate in this life may end up with pregnant hands in the afterlife. That’s right, scientists of the world. Did you know that your palm has a tiny reproductive system? Well, get with the program.

Once upon a time, in the dark medieval days, it was believed that masturbation would lead to hairy palms and blindness; to which people said, “Bring on the hairy palms and find me a guide dog because I love jerking my wiener,” in so many words. But this is a whole other story, I mean, pregnant hands and fingers? Nobody wants to be awoken in the dead of night by their screaming hand, nobody wants to have to arrange play-dates with other hands, it is just too much.

So the next time you want to furiously spank it while imagining that one of Lebanon’s finest weather girls making out with that other weather girl, stop. Think to yourself: can I support a family of fingers? Can I afford to pay the medical bills that come with such a marvel?

Do you remember that scene in Antonio Banderas’ finest movie, Spy Kids, where gigantic thumbs were going around karate-chopping people to death? That could be your future child. Your future child could punch you in the nuts, and you won’t be able to do a thing about it because who wants to bite the hand that feeds/masturbates them? Also, does this mean your baby will be masturbating you? It’s all very confusing.

(Image via horror.com)

Finally, here is a photo of the preacher seemingly showing an unsuspecting woman his hand-baby; he looks like he’s done more palm-impregnating than a teenage boy.

(Image via Haberturk.com)

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