A good friend once gave me the following advice about sending a text message to a prospective love interest: before you hit send, imagine the words displayed on a jumbotron screen inside a stadium for thousands upon thousands of people to see.

It’s solid advice, but it poses a huge problem for me because I am intensely socially awkward and have ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT OF BOUNDARIES whatsoever. Also, I'm too lazy to go through all that text-game bullshit that normal people engage in.

So while my current number one talent involves giving incredible head massages. (No really, I know how to work a scalp the way Miley Cyrus knows how to work a Victoria’s Secret model in a dark alleyway on a hot summer night), I also happen to be the queen of sending absurd texts. Countless times I’ve sent what I initially believed to be a succinct and thoughtful text message only to re-read it afterward and realize it was quite possibly the most awkward thing ever communicated to another human being. [Much of this behavior can be attributed to my inability to be embarrassed or ashamed of my own actions.]

My only real rule for sending a text message is refraining from the use of ‘lmao,’ ‘rofl’ or ‘lols’ of any kind. lol the only thing that enrages me more than someone who uses ‘lol’ in a text message is someone who begins and ends an entire sentence with it lol.

Also, I try not to send generic greetings that offer no useful avenues for real conversation. Sometimes I’m forced to do this because I'm masturbating to pictures of a dude’s face when he texts, and so all I can muster is a "Hey” with my one free hand. But that is the only exception.

So here’s a list of texts I find myself wanting to send to guys I really dig but absolutely never would because they make me sound like a psychotic bitch.

Him: It was great seeing you the other day.
Me: I’ve masturbated to your face about five times since then.

Him: Heyyyooo
Me: You are so cute i want to cut you into pieces and eat your face.

Him: Heading to the grocery store after work...
Me: I would drop all of my plans in an instant if you want to hang out with me tonight.

Him: Hey, what’s up?
Me: Fantasizing about you spread out on the couch watching all of your favorite shows on Netflix while I feed you donuts and bacon.

Him: Work is so busy today.

Take it from me, peeps, playing games is for chumps.
*Laugh cringe*
*Cringe cringe*

[Accept that I’m the social equivalent of a tennis ball and click away from the page.]


Avatar 1
Post to facebook