Welcome to the inner workings of a vast, dark and scary place known as my mind. Now, I live with a roommate (my boyfriend), and when he’s home: I dress cute, act normal, clean up, and act like a goddamn Michelin star chef. But sometimes, he’s not here. Sometimes, he goes away for the weekend. And that’s when the weird f*cking crazy sh*t commences. I’m leading a double life, y’all.

And puh-lease… save your judgment for some other stupid Internet article. Everyone does weird sh*t when they are home alone. The freedom brings out the craziness in us all. Here’s a full disclosure list of the things I do when I’m all by myself:

-- Sing into my vibrator like it’s a microphone to Jim Croce songs.

--- Talk to my dog with every intention of her understanding what I’m saying. “Are you from Nigeria?” [I’m totally convinced she is].

-- When I'm making food I pretend I'm on a cooking show and explain what I'm doing out loud. Even if I'm just making a grilled cheese sandwich. I am clearly the star of my own universe.

-- Walk around naked.

-- Sprint up the stairs at night (because it's dark and I'm home alone, obvi).

-- Pick my nose like a maniac. Side note: this also sometimes happens when I’m zoned out on my morning commute to work, but then I get the sudden realization that just because I’m in my car - it does not mean I’m invisible to the outside world.

-- I go full barbarian on my food, and eat like a pig. No cutlery. Just me, a slab of bacon, and the sink. Nom nom.

-Try to do this one cool fighting move I saw in some movie. Immediately regret it as I limp to my bed.

-- Lay on the floor for an unreasonable amount of time.

-- Casually wink at myself in the mirror.

-- Refrain from showering until absolutely certain I will be coming into contact with another human body.

-- Cry at random TV commercials.

[Images via here and here.]


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hahahaha! I do find myself crying at random TV commercials too

Maher Abu Haidar on Jul 28, 2015 via web