Five Ways To Deal With Lebanon’s Garbage Crisis

Hate the sight of mountains of garbage? Bothered by the smell of food rotting in the sweltering summer heat? Well we’ve got your back with this handy guide on how to handle Lebanon’s latest garbage crisis.

1) Become a hermit:

Let’s face it, there is no reason for you to go outside; it sucks out there! Stay in your house, and whether you need cigarettes or DVDs – everything can be delivered right to your doorstep because that’s the beauty of Lebanon and NabilNet. Hot heat and hotter garbage? No thanks, I’ll be watching Masters of Sex in an air conditioned room.

2) Become human-garbage:

What better way to defeat something than to completely embody it? If you hold off on showering for long enough, you can physically become trash! It’s a fun little science experiment you can do with your body. The sooner you start smelling like a garbage can, the less the garbage on the streets will bug you.

3) Pretend you’re on a movie-set:

“Oh yeah Robert Downey Jr. totally stars in this,” you’ll say to yourself with a huge fake laugh. “Oh, this is just a post-apocalyptic feature, it’s probably going to be directed by Mel Gibson or something.” Beirut is starting to look like a hot post-apocalyptic mess, why not pretend that you’re just part of a movie? In fact, go nuts and start screwing people right on the streets, pretend you’re partaking in niche experimental pornography, you’re welcome.

4) Learn to enjoy the smell of trash:

I’m not going to lie to you, this one will take some extra effort. Essentially what you want to do is rewire your brain so that it finds garbage pleasurable, and soon enough you’ll be begging Armani to come up with an “Eau de Garbage” scent. The trick to doing this is to take all of life’s pleasures and somehow add garbage into the mix. Example: you have sex with a wonderful man or woman, they’re tender and proportionate, they don’t start texting as soon as you’re done – it’s a wonderful experience….immediately sniff some garbage. Over time, your brain will associate good sex with the smell of rotting cabbage. It’s science, you guys.

5) Become completely dead inside:

Ultimately the easiest way to survive this massive trashcan of a life is to become completely dead inside.