Back in 2005, I broke up with a guy for wearing khaki cargo capri pants, and I completely forgot that happened until encountering a guy this morning at the bank who also - tragically - chose to dress himself up in the most disgusting excuse for an article of clothing that exists in society today.

John (and that’s his real name because 1. I don’t talk to this guy anymore nor have any clue what he’s doing and 2. publicly shaming someone for wearing capris is a perfectly acceptable thing to do) wasn’t wearing like, I don’t know, stylish and fitted black men’s capris. Maybe I could have let that one slide.

He was wearing baggy capris with an excessive number of carpenter pockets in a color that resembled his milky white pale skin. So noooooooooooo. Just no.



I never actually told John that this was the reason for the breakup, but the moment I saw him wearing those stupid cropped pants, I knew our relationship was done. And for anyone unreasonable enough to NOT understand why this was a deal breaker, I’ll also divulge that he drank too much, got insanely jealous when I spoke to other guys and didn’t like peanut butter or mayonnaise. Not together, mind you, separately. What kind of monster doesn’t like peanut butter? And how could a person reject the creamy goodness of white, fluffy mayo on a deli sandwich made with fresh baked Italian-sesame bread? Good God. So in sum: he was a loser. And he wasn’t even European.

To be fair, I don’t like capri pants on men OR women.They look pretty ridiculous on just about everyone. They accentuate the least desirable part of the leg, and if a woman suffers the unfortunate circumstance of having cankles… well that’s just super unattractive, sorry.

Also, capris are not really pants and they’re not really shorts. It’s like the equivalent of drinking lukewarm water. Gross.

My question is: why do capri pants still exist? Why weren’t they just a fad the way, say, trucker hats and upside down visors were in the 1990s?

To all the misguided individuals in the world today daring to wear capris I say: just buy real pants and get over it.



[Image via here.]

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