A Beginner’s Guide to Lebanese Weddings

In a country where ‘nefrah mennak/mennik’ is used a casual greeting, weddings can be tough game to master… But hey, we’ve totally got your back on this one.

Make your Hair and Makeup reservations no less than six months in advance.

First things first. You’ve gotta think strategy here, no last-minute aesthetic adventures are allowed whatsoever. And if you don’t actually get this down on time, then I’m pretty sure a relative will finally decide to adopt you and get everything reserved on your behalf. So better be quick if you don’t want to end up stuck in a chair under the merciful hands of your grandma’s hairdresser.

Get a spray tan.

Pre-wedding tanning is a necessity, even during the winter. You’re preparing to face a wild community of professional tanners and you definitely need to step up your game. Also, make sure your décolleté is deep enough to showcase your newfound skin tone in a rightful fashion.

Go on a diet two days before the wedding.

What in the world did you think you were doing taking a bite at your friend’s knefeh two days before the wedding? Your family shall disown you, and your sinful cravings shall be condemned forever by the larger community. You may however stuff your face with knefeh after midnight a week before the wedding because, according to the groundbreaking discipline of Lebanese logic, the last two days of the countdown are all that matters. Now get that dress zipped up if you can…

Make sure your car gets as many silly bows as it deserves.

I probably will never reach a comprehensive understanding of why pink (or white if you’re slightly more fortunate) cloth bows are considered legitimate wedding decorations for a car (or any other moving object for that matter). I wish I could hide this painful truth from you but your vehicle will eventually need these ‘refined’ ornamental pieces for it to fit into any Lebanese wedding convoy. You don’t want your beloved car to be underdressed for the occasion at the end of the day…

Shed your nervous system on the dancefloor.

Do not hesitate to showcase your most ferocious dance moves on the floor. There’s a hidden belly dancer deep inside the obscure layers of your soul, waiting to unleash itself gloriously to the first beats of Ali El Deek’s latest hit. It is time you get that haunting presence out of you and make your hip-shake known to the world. And if you’re totally unlucky and you somehow find yourself at one of the ends of a heated dabké thread, take emergency action by jumping up and down as dramatically as you can, while also moving your free hand frantically and making tennis-player-like sounds. Other than that, you should be fine.

Photo-bomb as many pictures as you can.

All the other guest will be on the hunt for quality visual content to fill up their social media accounts by the end of the night and you wouldn’t want to be left out. Now strike a pose.

Complain about the food.

No matter how refined the wedding buffet is, you need to find some kind of culinary flaw to pick on for the rest of the evening (and the rest of your life, probably). Oh, and don’t forget to compile your newfangled food agony into a carefully-drafted speech every time one of the waiters walks by. You know, just to fit in.

Suck the life out of social media for the next three decades.

As a final recommendation, kindly proceed to spamming all social media accounts and messaging apps with pictures and live impressions of the wedding like there’s no tomorrow. Lebanese weddings demand to be entirely and shamelessly exposed to the glory of the Internet for a minimum of 30 working days. Get ‘em thumbs moving people.