The Struggles of a Lebanese Non-Drinker

Did somebody say happy hour?

When you have to explain yourself.

Let’s face it. ‘I don’t drink’ is not exactly your best punchline when your country has a total population of approximately 4.467 million self-proclaimed party animals. It’s like you’re constantly compelled to pepper your statement with ‘sorry’. You know, like, I don’t drink, sorry for the inconvenience. Please accept my sincere apologies for my slightly abnormal liquid preferences. But it doesn’t stop there, people will usually follow up with an unending thread of no-brainer questions. Oh really? Do your parents not allow you? Do your parents allow you to ask such inappropriate questions? Have you had a traumatizing drunk incident? What are you, my therapist? Are you Mormon? Euhh, no?

When you’ve mastered the noble art of sipping on nothing.

Excuse me as I casually pretend to sip the night out of the random drink I just ordered while not actually drinking anything because conformity is an essential social function for the average human being I am. No, I don’t feel bad for myself. Not at all.

When you’re the only sober friend.

Why is everyone acting weird? Stop throwing the undisclosed contents of your heart out at me. Am I the only sane person here (yes, probably)? Why am I friends with you again? And you? Eww…

When you’re totally illiterate when it comes to drink names.

Pardon the limited capacities of my brain but I genuinely can’t seem to fit the full alcoholic beverages lexicon into my memory. Oh, and I still can’t tell the difference between beer and vodka.

When the bartender decides to adopt you.

This unfortunate scenario usually happens when your friends somehow choose to divulge your non-drinker status to the bartender, who will eventually sweet talk you into trying every single cocktail combination there is, hoping to make you fall in love with one. Little do they know all their efforts are going to waste (well, maybe not entirely as it’s usually one of your friends who will end up hooked on one of your cocktails)…

When your party animal friend attempts to convert you.

‘You need to go through the experience of being drunk, just for once, it’s psychologically beneficial to experience new sensations.’ Thank you for the valuable philosophical insight but I’m happy the way I am.

When you feel awkward at parties.

No drinks attached.

When you try to fake interest in your friends’ hangover stories.

No matter how hard you try to relate to your friends’ drunk chronicles, your misplaced nods and fake half-smiles are hardly ever able to suppress your overall ‘meh’ face. Oh, really? Heh. No way. Really? NO. What even? For real? *faints due to interjection overload*