Having a baby is life changing; those little bundles of joy will surely turn your whole world upside down. For one, becoming a parent is an exhausting full-time job, you learn to function on minimal sleeping hours and survive the deafening cries of your baby’s inner monster. But you know what’s even more difficult than becoming a parent? Being friends with one. While I do have mad respect for new moms and dads, being friends with someone who just had their first baby can have its struggles, and here they are:

1. Baby Talk

While I am guilty of being one of those people who uses baby gibberish to communicate with babies; I usually turn that switch off when going back to real life on Earth. On the other hand, new parents apparently do not have that switch. Your friend will almost exclusively use baby talk with their partner and everyone else. The worst part is that you’ll eventually adopt their horrible habit! “Yes I wanna nomnom but first I gotta peepee.”

2. Poop

Listen, I love your baby. Seriously, I’d do anything for that little angel, but sending me poop pics and asking me about what I think of the color…that’s where I draw the line. Seriously, do you really have to describe your baby’s poop right when I’m taking my first bite of the burger?! Also: I’m just a pre-med student, we haven’t gotten to baby poop yet.

3. Baby-Proofing

You’re casually chilling at their place, you get up to grab yourself a drink…you encounter this alien Warcraft thingy on their fridge; you try to open it, nothing happens. That little bitch is mocking you now, staring at you. So you give up and head to the bathroom instead and surprise: another one has its grip over the toilet seat…this is how I die, dehydrated and in a puddle of my own pee.

4. Bad Guy

When the baby starts growing up and all its shenanigans begin, your friend will be looking for ways to discipline their kid. That will most definitely involve you! “Stop yelling or this man will eat you”…wha…what! Come again? I do not eat children…or any human being for what it’s worth. What am I? Hannibal? You will also be the guy who kidnaps kids, who puts them in baby jail (yes that will be a thing,) and who eats their candy. Say goodbye to any chance of being on good terms with that kid, he will probably end up seeking help later on in his life because of you. (Sorry kid, it’s not up to me.)

5. Food Testing

If you see your friend walking towards you with a jar of slimy goo and a spoon…RUN. They’ll want to ask you to taste their baby’s food; if you do taste it, it’ll make you question whether they actually like their kids or not. Bottom line is, unless you’re an astronaut, keep away from paste food.

6. Pictures Galore

I understand it’s your first baby, everything is new and exciting; but was it really necessary that I wake up at 3:00 am to see a picture of your baby sucking his toes (as adorable as that is.) And what happened to your Facebook account? It looks like it was invaded by an army of babies, I’m struggling to remember what you look like!

Just kidding, I care about your baby… a lot. Now please put that knife down and let’s discuss your baby’s beauty somewhere with witnesses around…

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