A couple weeks ago, I went to Iron Heyoka’s Retro Garage Sale expecting to check out some vinyls and other vintage merchandise. That I did find, but what I also walked into was a screening of “The Room,” a horrifyingly, tremendously awful film produced in 2003. There were awkwardly long, nauseating love scenes, acting so cheesy it reeked, and plot holes so large, you wouldn’t believe they spent $6 million to create it.

Rotten Tomatoes has this film at a 35%, which is insanely high for the finished product, but probably is attributed to just how much you are unable to look away from what is a very bad car crash indeed.

This had me thinking about the truly awful movies I have seen in my life. There was Catwoman with its limp, two-dimensional characters, Spider-Man 3’s strange emo, jazzy turn for the worst, and I Know Who Killed Me’s ridiculous plot line. But how did the last year fare?

I talked to Anis Tabet, host of Iron Heyoka’s Movie Court, to get his take on the worst movies of the last year.

The Last Witch Hunter (2015)

AT: “Vin Diesel as a witch hunter. Do you really want to see that? This may be the longest 105 minutes I had to spend in a movie theater. Thank you Vin. This is by far the worst movie I’ve seen this past year.”

What you should see instead:Blade". Not the sequels. Just the first one.”

2. The Boy Next Door (2015)

AT: “Jennifer Lopez hit an all time low in ‘The Boy Next Door’ (‘Gigli,’ looks like you’re off the hook), playing a 40 something high school teacher who has a one night stand with the boy next door. Spoiler alert: he’s wacko. Everything you need to know is in the trailer and yet the makers of this film were convinced that there’s more to it. Not a chance. At the screening I attended, 4 people walked out asking for their money back. And they say critics are harsh.”

What you should see instead: “Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Rear Window.’”

3. Mortdecai (2015)

AT: “Johnny Depp redeemed himself later on that year when he starred in ‘Black Mass,’ but I still can’t forgive him for his embarrassing performance in ‘Mortdecai,’ playing an art dealer trying to recover a stolen painting. The movie is so bad; I could swear Depp was trying to disguise his voice so audiences will forget it’s him. Not so fast. ‘Mortdeca’” bores you breathless you want to take names and exact punishment. Why Johnny Why?”

What you should see instead: “‘Ed Wood.’ By far my favorite Depp/Tim Burton collaboration.”

4. Dirty Grandpa (2016)

AT: “Easily the worst movie of 2016 so far. Robert DeNiro plays a perverted grandpa (*cringes*) who goes on a road trip with his grandson (Zac Efron) seeking one last sexual encounter with a college girl. The result is an insult to the audience and a bigger insult to Robert DeNiro’s once fruitful career. ‘Dirty Grandpa’ is shallow, offensive and just downright repulsive. It’s easily DeNiro’s worst ever movie. How do I unsee this?”

What you should see instead: “Any other Robert DeNiro movie, but mainly ‘Raging Bull,’ ‘GoodFellas,’ ‘The King of Comedy,’ and ‘The Godather Part 2.’”

5. Zoolander 2 (2016)

AT: “I left this movie wondering how bad things happened to two of my favorite comedians: Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson. What happened you guys? You were funny in the first ‘Zoolander’ movie and I still have fond memories of 2004’s ‘Starsky and Hutch.’ I tried to remind myself of that as I watched ‘Zoolander 2,’ a pointless and painfully unfunny film that can only be seen in a positive light because it’s slightly better than any Adam Sandler comedy. If you enjoyed the first film, then for the love of God stay away from this sequel.”

What you should see instead: “‘Zoolander’ ‘Dodgeball,’ ‘Tropic Thunder’.”

Honorable mention: “‘The Room’ (2003): Quite possibly the worst movie ever made. This movie is so bad, it’s actually good. You just need to watch it with the right people and you’re in for a treat. Oh and don’t forget to throw spoons at the screen!”


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