Oh the things you’ll see, (douchebags). The wonders (mostly douchebags). The excitement (more douchebags)!

1. The guy trying to make a business deal.

This douche will be wearing a suit. He has no reason to do so, but he grew up with a fragile sense of self so he overcompensates by dressing like a GQ model and threading his brows. He will drink a double espresso all the while trying to sell his new tech startup app fail, and he sells it hard. His business is usually something simplistic as fuck - like say, an app that delivers ice.

2. The single parent trying to bond with their child.

I once watched a mom introducing her young son to her boyfriend. The boyfriend kept trying to buy the kid a muffin and the kid wouldn’t even look in his direction (because kids are assholes, and also - divorce). “You can’t buy love with cake” is something I hear often, but it has worked for me so far.

3. The confused adult.

”Badde wa7ad medium Nescafe…”

4. The “why are they not at school” kids.

How are these teens getting out of school?? When I was in school, I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without a teacher popping out of the toilet.

5. The guy on a video conference.

You’re the reason Starbucks routinely changes their WiFi password. Oh, and just because you’re glaring at me doesn’t mean I’m going to be quiet so you can make your bullshit business deal phone calls. You suck.

6. The older gent.

This guy is only found at a Starbucks that has a lavish outdoor area (think Starbucks Raouche) because he loves to smoke his cigar while he tries to interrupt the conversations of young girls.

7. The awkward couple on a date.

A date at your local Starbucks? Why do you hate getting laid?


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