We’re in the dead of summer and everyone is still scrambling to get in shape. For most of us, that means (forcefully and regretfully) joining a gym. The upside, at least for me, is the distinct array of characters that you’ll come to know in any given Zumba, body pump, body combat, jazz oriental, cardio yoga, whatever it is. I’m new to the scene, forgive me. I’m sure we’ve missed some though-let us know which ones!

1. The one who keeps.getting.it.all.wrong

Bless your heart. The first step is understanding that the mirror is a reflection. The concept of right and left will naturally follow.

2. The teacher’s pet

This person is one step and kick away from actually taking notes during class. They’re the one you’ll see asking the instructor about a specific move. “Ah hek? Aw HEK?” Looks the same and you’re already skinny you literally can’t tone your arms anymore so spare us the public interview.

3. The panting social butterfly

No, I don’t want to talk about which gym has the best Hip Hop Pilates class. This person will ask for your number in the locker room and give you an inappropriately cheerful “HI!” when you walk into class. Like I’m not already in a crappy mood for being here.

4. The one BREAKING. IT. DOWN.

Not to be confused with the teacher’s pet, who could be super motivated but at times talentless in the fine art of pseudo-dance.

5. The one coasting through with minimum effort

Ah, bless these gems: making a conscious effort to burn as few calories as possible. These people will usually step forward when everyone else is kicking up, or spend most of the power yoga class in child’s pose. Love you guys. You’re my spirit animals. Who says being in a gym means actually making a change?

6. The one who’s in the class just for the mirror

Matching socks and headband, one of those shirts that cools your back (because sweat in a gym? NEVER), color-coordinated to boot. They’re making love to their sensual hips during Oriental Dance, or watching themselves pump insane weights while looking Instagram-perfect.


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