Dining out can be great! And it can be horrible - read on.

Note for the humorless: these are jokes.

1. Make sure your kids run laps around the restaurant.

I personally like my scallops and wine with a side of screaming child, so please make sure your toddler sprints around and taps me on the shoulder SEVERAL times during my meal. Also feel free to ignore your kids running into waiters, that is so not your problem.

2. Display your affection very publicly.

Nothing makes sushi more delicious than watching a couple finger bang each other at the next table. Threesome?

3. Laugh like a hyena.

Makes your fellow diner's experience more memorable by hooting and screaming all fucking night. The restaurant is your toilet, so feel free to LOL away.

4. Shun any and all common decency towards the waitstaff.

The waiters are your personal property on which you can shit. Order them around, snap your fingers at them, and blame them for things that go wrong. After all, if you say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ - you might lose a limb or something!

5. Sit around for hours after your meal ends.

It's Friday night, you’re at a crowded restaurant, you finished your meal an hour ago, and there are dozens waiting to be seated. None of that is your problem! You just sit around and smoke your cigar, you human piranha.

6. Never tip.

Refer to point #4.

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