Running into a fellow vehicle (or a wall) rightfully qualifies as one of the most traumatic experiences one can ever go through. Sadly enough, such a scenario is far from improbable taking into account the suicidal driving habits of the Lebanon’s population that have spawned up to 3,793 car crashes in 2014 alone (that’s 10.39 car crashes per day on average) according to ISF stats.
More pointless than the crash itself, however, are the behavioral patterns Lebanese people tend to display afterwards, which include but are not limited to the rigorously compiled selection below.

Note: we’re talking minor car crashes here (no fatalities /severe injuries attached).



1. Scream, shout and let all the psycho-emotional trouble out



It doesn’t really matter whether you’re yelling at yourself, your fellow car crash survivor or the cliff. Try being thankful for being alive instead.


2. Throw unsolicited advice at the involved parties



My mental functions are unable to fathom the revolutionary philosophy of people parking near the accident spot and casually throwing random instructions out at the drivers. Adding to my bewilderment is also the fact that such outsiders always seem to be more concerned with the damage than the unlucky victims themselves.


3. Stop and stare at the accident spot from the other side of the road, thereby voluntarily initiating unnecessary traffic



This behavioral pattern particularly intensifies in the peak time of traffic on the highway because how else are we to put our Lebanese genes on display for the whole galaxy to witness?


4. Brush up on their photographer game



It’s incredibly cute how the first question people ask you nowadays after learning you were involved in a car crash would most probably be: “did you take pictures?” Even cuter is the harsh criticism you get if, for some unnervingly unconceivable reason (such as being one wrong leg action away from death), you missed out on your duty as a photographer.


5. Cry, and then cry some more



Your tears are just too precious to be wasted on a broken left headlight, really. Consider a future career in theater (or Middle-East politics).


6. Spam social networks with a week’s worth of visual/lexical material



X added 5,123,274 photos to the album ‘car accident :$ [insert irrelevant emoji]’…

I added 5,123,274 emotions to the album ‘done with the human species [insert cookie emoji]’…



7. Make useless phone calls



“Hi, Mom. I almost turned into a mercilessly chattered mass of mutilated flesh scattered upon the crushed insides of a dead-cold metal engine but there’s nothing to worry about, you know…”


8. Attempt to philosophically dissect the accident



Please do not bother putting together a 30-minute speech on how you just had a ‘feeling’ something bad would happen this morning and wanted to take another road. I don’t believe you. No one believes you. You don’t believe yourself. Case dismissed.


9. Turn it into a Superhero narrative



I am SUPER-car-crash-survivor-MAN. Duh.


10. Blame each other



Throwing insult-sprinkled accusations at each other is strictly not the way to go about this. You should’ve given up this kind of conduct in kindergarten for education’s sake.


11. Dread the accident spot for the next three decades



If it just so happened that you accidentally ran into the tree next to the second white building on the right after the third exit on the left of the building just across from your house, it doesn’t mean you’re bound to having an emotional breakdown every time you need to pass by the tree next to the second white building on the right after the third exit on the left of the building just across from your house because it’s just too much for one sentence to handle.

Finally, having talked about the odd behaviors that come along minor car crashes in Lebanon, our deepest sympathies go to the families and friends of car crash fatalities. Don’t forget to stay safe!

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