The 5 Stages Of Living In Beirut

This post was originally published in September 2016.

Living in Beirut can be an adventure. A fun, messy, wild adventure that makes you fall in love with the city, then promptly want to die.

Note: these are jokes and not an accurate depiction of most Lebanese people and/or their lifestyles.

Stage one: The amazingly surprised stage

“Damn! Beirut is one cool city. WOAH, a man’ouche costs 1,000 LL and everything is so funny and awesome! DUDE HAVE YOU BEEN TO SOUK EL TAYEB? You can get olives and tomatoes! Our food is the best! Ten hummus containers, please!”

Basically, at this stage you’re filled with bewilderment over the fact that a cop can be eating a tawouk sandwich while he texts and drives, and that you can get everything – from tampons to medication – delivered to your house. You’re confused as to why people who say they’re 5 minutes away almost never show up.

Stage two: The adventurous/party stage

“Have you been to Jbeil? Jbeil is awesome.”

You start road-tripping, discovering, taking selfies at Harissa, and attending parties at obscure derelict locations. You also suffer your first severe food poisoning at this stage.

Stage three: The I-feel-like-a-local stage

You’ve got your routine down; you know exactly how to deal with a cab driver as he attempts to rip you off. You start pronouncing ‘sorry’ as suh-reeee and using it as a replacement for names. And sadly, you’re slightly more comfortable dishing out $30+ to go to the beach.

Stage four: The Shit-I’m-actually-a-local-now stage

Much like a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, you are turning into an unpunctual food-obsessed alcoholic who has an extreme aversion to traffic and driving. You also have a deep-seated rage for….almost everything, and you cannot seem to explain it.

“There’s no fucking way I’m going to Jbeil and getting stuck in 3-hour traffic both ways.”

Stage five: The WTF am I doing here? stage

“Why is my phone bill 8 million dollars? Dubai, take me away. I can’t do one more minute of power cuts and hopelessness.”