Dear Ivy: I Caught My Husband Sexting, Now What?

Dear Ivy,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for over four years. We’ve been through a lot together, but have managed to keep our relationship strong – that is, until about a month ago, when my girlfriend hooked up with one of her female roommates who happens to be a lesbian. My girlfriend said it wasn’t cheating because she realized she’s not attracted to her roommate. She’s basically playing it off as sexual experimentation – but at my emotional expense! Please Ivy… tell me what to do!

Are you really complaining? Aren’t guys supposed to find this kinda thing hot or something? On a more serious note, you’re right to be concerned, regardless of the sex of the person she hooked up with; the fact of the matter is that your girlfriend cheated on you.

Unfortunately, people in relationships don’t get to make unilateral decisions when it come to sexual experimentation. Be it with the same sex or opposite sex, this was a move that should have been discussed and agreed upon as a couple.

Clearly you guys have some sort of communication barrier going on between the both of you right now. Has she ever brought this subject up previously and did you shun the idea away? If so, at least she tried to warn you, though it still doesn’t justify her behavior.

Well the good news here is your girl now knows she’s not a lesbian and you now know she’s capable of sleeping with other people. Tread cautiously, your future doesn’t look so bright from here.

Dear Ivy,
Background: Middle-aged married couple. We get along well and have fun together. A year ago, I found something innocently that popped up on his phone. I was not snooping. But he was definitely sexting. We went to a therapist and he said it was because he was bored, and was just messing with fake people on the Internet. He was very upset and promised not to do it again. Fast forward to a week ago – and there’s a new message. I can see him using his real name, age and random details and is looking to get a room for a massage. When you’re pushing 40 is this really the best use of your spare time. How can I trust him now? Better yet: why is he doing this? I feel betrayed and I would really appreciate your help.

He’s bored? How about he takes up a hobby like skiing or sailing instead? Maybe he ought to have read the memo before he asked you to spend the rest of your life with him?

We’ve all heard about this notorious mid-life crisis men go through: they reach a certain age and realize their wives are suddenly not young enough, not sexy enough and not exciting enough. Before you know it, they’ve spent your hard-earned savings on a red sports car and then go and drive around town with an unsuspecting young lady half their age. When confronted, they break down and promise their wife that they can’t possibly live without her.

Here’s the thing: let’s say you have bored your man to death and let yourself “go.” Let’s say he is looking for a rush. Sexting and getting some ‘two-dolla’ Thai massage behind your back is most definitely not the way to go about this. The good news is that you’ve made it to a therapist. You should consider going in for some more consultation sessions with your husband to discuss your new discovery and find ways to make your marriage work. He’s given you all the warning signs, now it’s up to you to make a sound decision before your marriage hits rock bottom.

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