Dear Ivy: Shouldn’t Marriage Come Next?

Dear Ivy,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for around 3 years now. I was very content with our relationship before but I’m about to hit 30 and I would like to get married eventually. We never really discussed marriage but I just assumed he would know that this is what comes next. I broke the news to him and he freaked out. He said he didn’t think I was like “other” girls and that I am acting really “typical.” I’m really disappointed and don’t know what to do. Is this worth breaking up over?

Believe it or not, most guys don’t assume marriage SHOULD come next. That’s just not how their minds work. Men are simple, to them if everything is smooth sailing and you guys are having a good time why would you complicate/ruin things with something like marriage?

But that doesn’t justify his reaction either. Suddenly you’re not the cool girlfriend he thought you were because you’re looking for some commitment in your life? Don’t fall for that crap.

But you’re in the wrong here too. Many girls avoid the big M word because they want to come off as easy-going and laid back when they’re with a man. Why? Because let’s face it, our society has become wedding-obsessed. And most men can smell wedding ambitions on a woman like a shark smells blood. So no, you shouldn’t have broken it to him from the get-go but you definitely should have dropped some hints here and there.

Give him some time to digest the news and create a healthy distance between the two of you. At the end of the day you don’t want to pressure him into a lifelong commitment; trust me that is not a sustainable model. If he doesn’t bring it up in a couple of months, then he is avoiding the topic all-together and basically isn’t ready. You have two choices at that point: accept it and never bring it up again or break up with him and start looking for that guy that may be at a point in his life where he’s ready to commit.

Dear Ivy,
My good friend’s boyfriend treats her like a doormat. He literally walks all over her and she lets him. He is always playing mind games with her, borrowing money from her and making fun her but she just laughs it off. When she is not with him all she wants to talk about how sad he makes her and when she is with him she just wants to be on his arm. He’s made her so weak. I’ve tried telling her—she will agree but then just let him get away with it all over again. I don’t know if I can just sit back and watch this anymore.

So don’t. Here’s the thing, as long as he’s not verbally or physically abusing her, you can’t do much, and although I see exactly where you’re coming from, you can’t expect your girlfriend to have the same pride/values/expectations and most importantly self-worth that you do when it comes to men. It’s a horrible truth but some women enjoy/accept and are attracted to men who treat them this way.

Sure, she’s complaining, but judge her by her actions not her words. She’s telling you one thing and turning around and doing another. He’s a got a hold on her that I doubt you can break. Just remember, this is not about you and it is not your battle to fight. You said what you had to say and she made her decision. Now it’s your choice to decide whether you want to stick around to watch.

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Have a question you’d like to know the answer to? Email her at tell.ivy@gmail.com.