To say there are only seven stereotypical guys you’ll date while in Lebanon is an injustice to the male gender, but to complete the list with the seven stereotypical girls those guys will date while in Lebanon restores the balance. Again, this doesn’t cover all you lovely ladies and is only intended for some good, clean fun, so brace yourselves for the girls you’ll come across in the wilderness of Beirut. Who knows, you might even be dating one right now.
Odds are she’ll be well-dressed, have a squeaky, high-pitched French accent, and try-her-hardest still fail to pronounce your name properly. Offers endless entertainment when she attempts to speak “3aghabe” and shortens every place name to match some unwritten Frenchie code (think Ash for Ashghafiyye). Speaking of Ash, she’ll introduce you to a shady world of little esoteric pubs in the alleys of areas dripping with bourgeois. You’ll convince yourself she’s not THAT different from you and that her accent might even be a little sexy, but will soon realise that the only room in your life for anything French is when it comes to your fries. She’ll still be the one to break up with you and not bat an eyelid. C’est la vie.
2. Sports Chick
What could be better than a girl who loves football? A girl who plays football, or just about any sport you enjoy supporting. Unfortunately, one side effect of most sports is a competitive edge that bleeds into every part of your relationship, and then some. Every little thing becomes a contest of who can finish first or who can do it better. It starts off cute, but then she awakes the caveman-like urge in you to be the strongest, fastest, and best and it all goes downhill faster than she can run a mile (most likely faster than you, but that’s only because you “let her win”). You realise you’ll never be able to keep up, and by the time you do she’ll have run off to join the Gym Rat.
3. Overly Attached One
If you have to lie about seeing the guys by saying you’re visiting your sick Teta, you’re definitely dating her. If you have to give constant updates about your location or face the wrath of your woman, you’re double definitely dating her. She knows the passwords to all your accounts and will perform a weekly sweep of your inboxes, but she still “trusts you”. You’ve become the sickeningly adorable couple who’s Siamese-ed at the hip. Her entire family will know about you before you memorize her digits. You’re together forever, remember? She will.
How could you not know that uber-underground band named after a washing machine brand, that’s “SO GOOD but you probs never heard of it”? Dressing in more colours than a pack of Skittles, abandoning social norms faster than the Frenchie will drop last season’s bag and accompanied by a light scent of “medicinal” happy plants: the hipster chick. She’ll take you to the most decrepit areas in Beirut by telling you there’s a warehouse party by some random DJ you “HAVE to be at”. You date her because she’s got that Mother Nature vibe, but then you remember you like admiring Mother Nature, not living with it.
5. Gold Digger Kanye and Jamie Fox sang it, and this girl embodies it. She is of a rare breed of Lebanese. One who’s heightened senses allows them to sniff out just how many dollar bills you have in your wallet. Don’t go for this girl if you’re not willing to auction off a kidney to keep up with the rising bills, and if you’re lacking a sweet ride move over. You’ll swear her big, beautiful eyes flash dollar bills when you’re not looking and before you know it you’ll be bouncing off that poverty line. Listen to your wallet on this one, and spare it the crash diet. Avoid at all costs, or prepare to find out just how expensive a “quiet night out” can really be.
6. Party Animal
You’ll find her just when you’ve convinced yourself you need to party more and put yourself out there. To her you’re just another guy passing through, so get used to being called “guy” or “yo”. She’ll teach you the meaning of true fatigue when you wake up after a 24 hour rave and the ecstasy wears off. Living by the motto “Party On Dudes”, be very prepared to forget where you were last night and how you got that tattoo. The Party Animal knows every bouncer at every club and can get you into places you’ve never heard of. Slow down, grow up, and make her the ex with X.
7. Bror She supports your favourite football club, plays video games better than you, and has an annoying penchant for calling you “bro” and/or “dude” more times than your actual bros do. She’s the perfect guy friend, except she’s a girl. The magic wears off fast when you realise you don’t really want to be dating your best friend, and plus it isn’t all that cool to have a girlfriend that can beat you at Call of Duty and can chug beer faster than you. The Bro reminds you why there’s a very good reason you don’t date your friends.