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Abdulsalam Shalashtein 12 Sep 2014

ACME Products That Would Save Lebanon

Remember the classic Looney Tunes cartoon series with Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner?

If your answer is “meep meep,” then I salute you. Sure it was all slapstick humor, fake tunnels, explosive tennis balls and giant anvils, but you don’t have to be a fan of the show to appreciate the effort, no matter how failure-prone the ACME products were. Here’s some items that could really save Lebanon.

The Traffic Dissipator

Unless you’re a 13-year-old girl who’s occupation on Facebook is: “I Don’t Work, I’m a Princess :$ :$,” then you too have cursed and shouted murderous incantations while getting stuck in Beirut traffic. Hamra, Mazraa, Rouche, Achrafieh, it doesn’t matter where you are. Beirut is to traffic as Russia is to vodka, we’re swimming in it.

The Politician-Be-Gone Line

Patriotism is love of the land, not the government; especially when the government is corrupt, ineffective and elitist. Hypothetically, this could change if citizens could be convinced to vote differently. That’s about as unrealistic as this ACME product.

The Reception Chaser

Most of the time, your best chance of ensuring reception involves paragliding from at least 30 feet off the ground with your mobile phone. Our GSM and 3G networks run on hardware left over from the World War… the first one.

The I.T.I.N.S Device

It took me 30 seconds to save a 350KB image to this article. That’s … that’s just sad.