The Worst Types of People

As children, we are taught that it is of the utmost importance to be tolerant and kind. As adults, we realize that it holds true to be tolerant and kind, but not to the following kinds of people.

Racists

We’re in the 21st century and you don’t belong here, get out. Find some portal to take you back to a time when bathrooms were racially segregated; you are the modern day equivalent of… well, a racist.

People who eat a lot but don’t gain weight

You are the worst. The only worse variety of this person is the one who tries to gain weight, but can’t. It’s called eating until you hate yourself, get with it.

Homophobes who masturbate to lesbian porn

Kill yourself. That is all.

Animal abusers

You’ll never convince me that someone who can harm an innocent and defenseless animal is not a complete asshole. I will engage in a physical fight with anybody who tells me otherwise, and I hate physical fights – I’ve only ever hit one person, and that guy completely deserved it. You’d be on my side if you knew the particulars of that relationship.

Terrorists of every kind

WHY ARE YOU RUINING LIFE? The world is filled with amazing things, try one.

People who are rude to waiters

This also applies to people who are rude to anybody providing them with a service. In your next life you’ll probably come back as a toilet brush, so good for you.

Narcissists

It must be so tiring for the universe to revolve around you. Please, tell us more about how the Ebola scare has messed up your plans to go to Africa some day.

Slow-paced people

Good job moving at a turtle-paced speed in front of me. You’ve only made me contemplate a homicide-suicide combination four times so far.

The Kardashians

To every Kardashian that ever was, is, and ever will be – you suck. We should all get behind the first political candidate who promises to eradicate the Kardashians.