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Lama Hajj 02 Dec 2014

A Girl’s Guide: How To Look Young Forever

As we all know by now, the most important thing a woman can do is look good. If you are a woman with a great personality or some incredible talent, cut it out right now – your only job is to look good and constantly young, because nothing matters except your external looks that were basically given to you by a random genetic lottery. Relinquish any activities that do not directly enhance your external appearance such as but not limited to: raising your children, enjoying your life, and any productive involvement in your community.
Here are some simple tricks that can help you look young and beautiful forever:

1. Remove your original skin and buy newer, fresher skin.

Have your surgeon of choice install the new skin in a tight manner that is sure to freak out children and pets.

2. Refuse being called ‘mom,’ ‘ma’am,’ ‘mrs.’ or ‘madam’

Instead, develop a stage name that makes you feel trendy and ageless. Examples include: Rotanda and Shalimar. Insist that everybody calls you by your new name, no last name is needed.

3. Replace your hands with multi-purpose metal hooks.

Hands are the number one giveaway for a woman’s age; do not let them be your downfall. Would you rather look scary and robotic or old? Yeah, I thought so – book your hook installation appointment immediately.

4. Inject or polish your skin with the stuff they make car varnish out of to give it a glossy finish.

5. Start lying about your age at the tender age of nine, claim you are one-year-old and pee yourself uncontrollably to be fully convincing.

This kind of pre-planning will result in a whopping eight extra years you can lop off your age when you become embarrassingly gross and old.

6. Get that procedure where they suck the fat out of your old lady knees.

This is particularly useful when you reach an age where your knees get flabby enough that they develop what looks like faces of their own.
Nip this in the bud before your knees develop personalities as well.

7. If or when your neck develops wrinkles, have your neck surgically removed immediately.

You don’t need that kind of stress in your life.

8. Pay somebody to zap and torture you with lasers, then get chemical peels that would put Saddam Hussein’s chemical warfare to shame.

It has been scientifically proven that the more painful and expensive a treatment is, the younger you will look.

9. After you’ve hacked away at all of your healthy body parts, make sure you involve yourself in some charity work with the elderly.

Do not partake in any charities involving contact with children as your spanking new face and physique may frighten them and remind them of certain Disney villains.

10. For the dedicated woman, look into purchasing a lion cub or a gypsy girl.

The mane or hair from your purchase will provide you with a constant supply of shiny and supple hair extensions to ward off dull and lifeless hair, which usually foreshadows a dull and lifeless life.

Bonus: The aforementioned science has proven that worrying leads to wrinkles.

Therefore, it should be your goal in life to never worry, feel anything, express emotion, or move your forehead in order for it to retain its baby’s bottom-like texture.

Good luck and remember, without good looks you are merely a pile of human garbage and a vessel of gross organs. Love yourselves, ladies!