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Lama Hajj 16 Dec 2014

World Leaders Agree: “It Must Suck to Live in Syria Right Now”

In yet another effective conference addressing the Syrian crisis, world leaders gathered last Wednesday and released a touching statement to ease the pain of the Syrian people’s plight that has lasted for nearly three years now.

The conference was attended by presidents, prime ministers, and representatives of over twelve countries who were there to discuss just how “sucky” they thought it would be to live in Syria right now. Spokesperson John Smith addressed the press afterwards reading the following statement: “We, the nations of the world, agree that it must suck to be in Syria right now.” Spokesperson Smith then walked off without further comment, leaving reporters in shock (the good kind.)

The conference reportedly began with a classic roundtable game of “would you rather” with one of the questions being, “would you rather pleasure your mother or go to Syria for ten minutes tonight?” To which all answered that they would gladly engage in various pleasuring activities with their mothers. Sources revealed that representatives took part in this game until past midnight, at which time a pizza was ordered.

The delegates spent the majority of the conference oscillating between stating how “sucky” it must be to live in Syria, and how they just can’t imagine it no matter how hard they try. “We’re not exactly sure what it’s like, but from what we hear it’s pretty freakin’ lousy; and we agree on that,” said a guy named Kevin. “I got pissed at my mom for not making my favorite Thanksgiving side-dishes this year, then I got some perspective and realized that it’s better than whatever side dishes they’re serving in Syria.”

The conference was fully financed by the United Nations, with all hotel and travel expenses covered. “It was important for us to meet up so we could talk this through,” added Kevin. “And the World Food Program just ran out of money so this was an emergency meeting for that too.”

According to several sources in attendance, the leaders actually re-drafted a statement originally written for Palestine, Iraq, Lebanon, Iraq again, Palestine again, and Lebanon again.

Disclaimer for the un-funny: This was a satirical blog post.