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Yaesoun Hamoud 23 Feb 2015

In My Own Words: What It’s Like to Be Bisexual in Beirut

So it may just be my “woe is me” self-deprecating mentality, but being bisexual is challenging. Some people think that bisexuals have all the fun: so many more options, so much more freedom, blah blah. But, it’s actually f*cking difficult.

Let me try to explain.

(Image via tumblr.com)

I’m a male who has dated a few women and a few men. But I’d estimate that 80 percent of the time when I tell people I’m bisexual, they smile knowingly and mentally say to themselves, “so you’re gay and in denial.” Sometimes they even say it verbally.

What often ends up happening is that women relegate me to the role of the one-dimensional, stereotypical gay best friend. No, darling. For one, I hate shopping. Also, I will lie to your face and tell you every outfit looks amazing just to hurry up the process. These women who assume I’m gay also erroneously believe I am interested in their male or boyfriend-related drama, and that I’m fine with being their safe pseudo-boyfriend. We end up sitting in cinemas or bars and they feel safe and comfortable around me, as they should. But I have to admit, most of the time all I’m thinking about is how I met get her to f*ck me later.

So I lose most women when they find out I’m bisexual and gain the whole of the gay male community, which also tends to be skeptical and/or disgusted by my interest in women.

The result is that I end up having sex with a lot more men than women, which makes me question my own bisexuality. It’s also frustrating because there are so many women that I just really want the opportunity to have sex with – which I guess is normal for most men, except gay ones.

I guess being in Beirut may sort of complicate all of these things a bit more, what with the LGBT (and whatever other letters have been added to the acronym as of late) community forced somewhat into hiding. Maybe if I lived in New York City or some other liberally-minded metropolitan city, things would be easier.

But anyway, without digressing too much, I often run into these ultra-heteronormative gay guys either at Bardo (or on Grindr) who use phrases like, “straight acting” and “no femme.” What’s up with that? You can’t pretend you aren’t queer and then go exchange D juice with another man. It doesn’t work like that.

In the end, I usually just stay home or get wasted with a bunch of friends. Sometimes, it’s easier to pretend around new people I’m either just gay or just straight. It’s easier than dealing with the folks who assume that I’m a poor, socially-repressed homosexual in hiding or whatever other judgments they want to label me with. It would probably be easier to buy a t-shirt that says, “I’m bisexual, deal with it,” or something like that.

I really don’t know, but I do know that I would like to have more sex, which in the end just means I’m a human like everyone else.