Schedules are updated every Thursday.
Did you know that Lebanese men think expat women are easy? Now I don’t want to fling ugly stereotypes or trade in gross generalizations with potentially sexist and neo-Orientalist undertones, but this is just what I’ve been told.
By Lebanese guys… while they were trying to get in my pants.
The following is based upon a monologue I recently sat through with a Lebanese guy. You can’t call it a date, because it wasn’t a date, it was a one-man show, and I was his captive audience, sitting in a coffee shop over a chai latte.
So, how do you find Lebanese guys? Because I’ve heard from foreign women that Lebanese guys all think they are easy. But no, I’m not like that, I’m just saying other men are like that! I’m different. See? I’m buying you coffee, I’m getting to know you. God I can’t believe you’d think I’m like that.
So, by the way, do you want to be friends with benefits?
Now, here’s the thing. I’m not what you’d call “easy” anymore. I’m too old and too sober these days. But I’m not exactly the Virgin Mary either. And this guy was cute – both classically good-looking and eccentric in a way I happen to find specifically sexy. But the minute he started in on this “expats are easy” line – he blew it.
Seduction properly done is a little like a magic trick. If you want someone to fall in love with you (or at least go home with you) basically the worst thing you can do is say: “I’ve heard you’re easy.” Talk about a bonerkill. I’ve seen cats with more game.
So, you wanna pick up an expat woman? Here’s my advice.
1. DON’T try to tell me what your assessment of world politics is.
Do you think Barack Obama is a Muslim? Keep it to yourself. In fact, it’s a good rule of thumb to just shut your mouth, period. The best thing a guy can do to get in a woman’s pants is to shut up and listen. There is nothing sexier on this planet.
2. DO pick up the check on the first date.
Some people will say feminism means we go Dutch. That’s crap. Do you know how much it cost me to get waxed? The least you can do is pay for dinner.
3. DON’T try to give me life advice.
Especially when you still live with your mom, bro.
4. DO tell me about how much you love: animals, astrology, music, and the TV show Broad City.
We can talk about it for hours!
5. DON’T tell me about how crazy your ex was, unless you want me to call her up and give me all your dirt.
6. DO tell me I look hot.
If you want to sleep with someone, a guaranteed way to do it is to make them feel sexy. But don’t overdo it. A simple, “you look great,” once or twice should do the trick.
7. DON’T explain to me what a Super Night Club is, or what the going price is for Russian versus Syrian prostitutes these days.
I’ll assume you have the clap and make up an excuse to leave early.
8. DO give unusual compliments.
It tells me you’re paying attention and can realize I’m a special snowflake. In this world of fast-paced sameness and conformity, isn’t that anyone really wants, anyway: someone to lie to us and say we are a unique individual? Total boner.
9. DON’T try to dirty text someone before you’ve even seen them naked.
Dirty texting someone you haven’t seen naked is like sending someone a review of a porn instead of a love letter. It’s just depressing.