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Lama Hajj 18 Apr 2015

Let’s Pay Tribute To The Two Greatest Condiments: Labneh and Honey-Mustard

What are the world’s two greatest condiments? Answer: labneh and honey-mustard, the end. The article could very well end here because there is no need for further discussion, but let’s elaborate just for kicks.

In my 25 years on this planet, I have sampled many condiments. Mostly because I spent years trying to shove as much food into my face as possible before realizing that I would eventually need to be presentable enough for somebody to penetrate me. I have sampled the timeless classics like Ketchup and hot sauce, to more complex ones like ranch dressing and blue cheese; but I quickly realized that there are only two condiments we all need in our lives: the two condiments that could make or break any meal.

(Image via kelliesfoodtoglow.com)

Let’s start with labneh. Now, some of you might say that labneh is not a condiment, but let me stop you right there.

Labneh is everything. It can be a meal, a dip, a spread, a condiment, a lifestyle. You can make a labneh sandwich, eat it on toast, dip your flamin’ hot Cheetos into it, dip some kaak into it, eat it off a cucumber, put it in your mannouche, use it as a ghetto substitute for sour cream, eat it off your lover’s chest…the list goes on and on.

Like most women, I like when a little effort is shown, and the creator of labneh has done exactly that. What possessed someone to milk a cow, ferment it into yogurt, and then place that yogurt in a cheese-cloth in order to strain it? How did this even come to be? Magic. Labneh is one of the few foods you can eat at any time of the day; it doesn’t impose restrictions on you, because it’s easy-going and forgiving like that.

(Image via lifesambrosia.com)

And now, for the reason my ass needs eight to twelve rounds of liposuction: honey-mustard. Honey-mustard is the Devil’s condiment, wickedly irresistible and is guaranteed to get on your clothing at some point during the meal. This is without a doubt the most delicious condiment out there, we all appreciate a good chicken tender, but it is when the chicken tender is dipped in honey-mustard that true magic happens. And what’s that, you have a boring salad? Add some honey-mustard on it to elevate it into a five star meal, turn your sad lettuce and grilled chicken into a delight. Additionally, you can use Dijon mustard instead of regular yellow mustard in order to trick your body into thinking you’re eating something classy and fancy, instead of slightly flavored mayonnaise.

Finally, I will list some examples of foods that can be taken to the next level by adding honey-mustard: chicken, salads, fries, hotdogs, your fingers, etc. So, the rest of the condiments need not try so hard, you are all replaceable.